Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

June 13, 2013

Everyone Loves Cats... So Here's Some Pictures of Our New Kitten

Everyone Posts Stupid Cat Pictures, So Too Shall I

Our new kitten MollyAs I was sitting here pondering on what to write about today since it's been awhile, I decided, "yeah.. I can post pictures of my cat", because hey, everybody, it seems, loves cat pictures.. so, why the hell not, lol.

Our new kitten MollyMy youngest daughter has been consistently asking for a kitten for the last couple of months since we moved into our new home, and well, I finally caved in and got her a kitten, however, I feel as if I may soon regret it as the kitten is already doing what kittens do best, and that is being a nuisance and a real pain in the ass.

Our new kitten Molly
Sure they may be really super cute and all, but the best part is the laughs from watching them play, because the antics certainly cause me to believe that cats are really stupid, and one never knows just when your cat will do something really stupid that causes you to erupt in laughter.
Our new kitten Molly
My daughter and I debated for a short time on what to name her, and while I thought about names such as Minka, Yin Yang, Suki, or Kunimitsu, my daughter disagreed and pondered more traditional and common cat names that children choose, like Princess, Cutie Pie and so on, until finally she settled on Molly.

God help Molly the day she decides to destroy any of my plants.. it seems that I'm
going to be getting alot of use out of my spray bottle, and already the kitten has gotten several squirts.


May 27, 2013

Indoor Plants for Positive Energy & Clean Air

House Plants For Clean Air & Positive Energy

Awhile back I posted about my Tillandsia Air Plants, and since I recently got another one, in addition to several other plants, I decided to write about indoor plants and share with you some photos of my little collection of indoor plants, which I do hope to grow as there are several more plants I want to have, and since I'm nearly out of sunny space in my home, I need to acquire plants better suited for shade although I am supplementing available natural light with artificial light.

Plants inside the home provide not only color, & decor, but promote the flow of positive energy as well as having the benefit of providing clean air.    All plants provide oxygen, however, some remove toxins from the air, and some even clean the air, removing carbon dioxide, dust particles, etc and then releasing fresh, clean oxygen.    Plants are also an excellent form of the elements wood, water & earth in Feng Shui.

This is my latest Tillandsia Air Plant acquisition, however, at this time I have not been able to positively identify it, but think it is most likely to be Capitata Red.

Red Tillandsia Air Plant

Since I mentioned Feng Shui in this post, perhaps I should add that my living room is Japanese in style and decor, with some Chinese in there as well.  The overall design and theme of my living room is that of Washitzu, a traditional Japanese room.   Thinking of Feng Shui, or the Japanese version, Fusui, It's only natural that I would have some Lucky Bamboo in my home, which isn't even Bamboo at all, but one of several variations of Dracaena plants.

The Lucky Bamboo isn't the only "Feng Shui" plant in my house, as I also have a Pachira Aquatica, better known as the "Money Tree", which is said to bring good fortune and wealth when placed in the wealth baqua of the home.

  My interest in this particular tree however, was the thought of it as a candidate for Bonsai since I am interested in Bonsai, however, Bonsai trees are very expensive, so I thought about experimenting and attempting to grow and train trees on my own for creating Bonsai, however, have changed my mind as I have no interest in screwing it up and losing a lovely tree, so, my Money Tree is one of several trees I own, which was purely by accident because some plants I bought not knowing that they grow into full size trees.

Hopefully some day I can afford to buy myself some really nice Bonsai trees.  I'm hoping for a Bonsai Cherry Blossom.

Since I'm already started on trees, I also have a Dracaena Marginata Magenta, aka Madagascar Dragon Tree, as well as an Areca Palm, a Dwarf Schefflera, better known as the "Mini Umbrella Tree" even though it can reach 5 to 6 feet indoors if allowed to, but is still smaller than the standard "Umbrella Tree", and I also have a Coffee Arabica Plant, which at the time of purchase, had no idea that it could become a 6 to 10 foot tree.   Here's the photos of my trees, although they're still tiny trees.

Dracaena Marginata Magenta Areca Palm
Dwarf Schleffera, aka Mini Umbrella Tree Coffee Aribica

I also have Succulents.   My initial interest in these was for miniature gardens, or what some call "Fairy Gardens", but frankly, I just don't have the money to spend on accessories, etc to build a tiny little village with houses, fences and decorations, etc on top of whatever the plants themselves cost, so I skipped doing the mini gardens and decided to not seek out the diminutive succulents for this purpose.

At the greenhouse where I purchased all my trees, I came across a Rhipsalis Heteroclada, and I love this plant, which is not only a Succulent, but also in the Cacti family as well..  All Cactus are Succulents, but not all Succulents are Cactus...  As soon as I got home with m strange and weird plant, the Rhipsalis, I went to Google and began researching it, and learned that this plant can become MASSIVE, and that I can create numerous additional plants via propagation of cuttings, so, I am very happy about that, because many people collect these as well as other Succulents, so, having such a large plant enables me to trade cuttings for different varieties, and besides, I really LOVE this plant, and it was the first Succulent for me.

Rhipsalis Heteroclada
Anyone interested in trading cuttings?  I'd love to have fire sticks, properly known as Euphorbia Tirucalli, and it's high on my list of plants to get, so, if you have one and would like to trade for some of my Rhipsallis cuttings, let me know. :)  Of course I'd trade for other Rhipsalis, other succulents, etc, etc.
One species of Succulent plant I really wanted was a Haworthia Attenuata, which looks like a prehistoric and diminutive, zebra striped and spiky Aloe, and yes, Aloe is a Succulent.    I also wanted very badly what is called Lithops, better known as "Living Stones" because they look like rocks until they bloom and a flower grows from the center, however, my seven year old daughter calls them the "Butt Plant" because she says they look like "little butts"...meaning asses, not cigarette butts, not that I needed to tell you that, but you never know.. I've had more than a fair share of illiterate readers here before, so.....

So.. one day I was in CVS and discovered that they were selling little Succulent plants, however, the selection was poor, and they were in terrible condition, mostly dead,  but I did however buy one since they were only $2. however, have no idea what it is, and am not too interested in this one... BUT, when I crossed the street and went into Walgreens, I found that they too were selling them, but as mini greenhouses featuring a six pack of little succulents in a little clear plastic greenhouse shaped container, and lo and behold, there in one of the packages was a Haworthia Attenuata that I desired, and in another package, a pair of Lithops...  So, I opened up both packages, and made sure the package I bought had both of these. :)

In addition to the Haworthia, and the Lithops, the only other of these Succulents I'm able to identify is the one I believe to be a Crassula Ovata variety, but at this time am not certain which variation.  There was one of the Echeveria variations, but I squashed it by accident and it's not in this photo.  I'm hoping that the dropped leaves I saved will root and that I can generate more Succulents via propagation.

I don't know what kind of Lithops I have, but there's hundreds of varieties out there, and I can't wait to find more, although trying to shop for Lithops online is a pain in the ass due to all the shady seed sellers who make it difficult to find actual plants because of all the goddamn seeds spam listed on ePig.

I did want to write about several plants I want to have, most of them unusual, weird and odd, but suppose that can wait for another day.

Oh, and since I mentioned my living room being Japanese, & Chinese, perhaps some day I will post some photos of my Washitzu, and some of my Japanese and Chinese art.

November 21, 2012

The Works of Talented Friends

Books and Music by My Friends

After publishing my last post to show off some book covers I designed for a Facebook friend, I began thinking of the accomplishments of several of my friends and thought perhaps it would be nice to show off their works.

Over the years I have come to know some very talented people ranging from artists, authors, musicians, actors and more and although I couldn't possibly write about all of them I wanted to share some of their works with my readers, particularly since it's the holiday shopping season and perhaps some of my friend's works would be of interest as a wonderful gift to give to a special loved one, or to have for their own enjoyment.

Jerry O'Connor Bottari.

Salem Through a Looking Glass

Jerry O'Connor Bottari is the mother of a long time close friend I've known for the past seventeen years who also happens to be a former classmate and long time friend of my ex wife.

Jerry is a poet, a painter and an amateur photographer.  Jerry has recently published a book titled "Salem Through a Looking Glass" which includes her photography and poetry.  Her next book is tentatively titled "Salem: A Wonderland Through Time"

Her book is published by Salem House Press, an independent publisher founded by my great friend Christopher Jon Luke Dowgin, who's next on my list.

Christopher Jon Luke Dowgin

A Walk Through Salem
Christopher Jon Luke Dowgin, simply known as Chris by friends is one of the first persons I met and befriended when I moved to Salem, Massachusetts back in 1994.   Chris was a regular fixture at Salem's former music and club scene back in the day when I was heavily involved in film and video, recording not only a popular local music television show for Salem's cable access television for several years, but also producing a couple music videos as well as photography for class projects while in college getting my degree in film production, journalism and photography.  One of the many similar interests I shared with Chris was not only the music, but the love for classic American cars.

Chris is a multi talented individual who is not only an author with several titles under his belt, but has also founded an independent publishing company, is a painter, an illustrator and a musician.   Chris is very well know in Salem and is often found at every single music event in town.

Chris's first published novel is "A Walk Through Salem" which is a fairy tale and walking tour of Salem, Massachusetts, a favorite for Salem's tourists.  This is the book which led Chris forward to not only writing additional works, but as a self published author has progressed on to forming an independent publishing company, Salem House Press.  Not only is "A Walk Through Salem" written by Chris, but he is also the illustrator and all of Chris's work features his artwork.  Additional titles written and illustrated by Chris Dowgin include "Salem Secret Underground: The History of the Tunnels in the City",  "The Wizard of Lynn", "Jasper: A Bunny's Tale", and "Gang Stories".

J.E. Sandoval

Blood Of The Righteous: Book 1 of the Ki Kalendeen Chronicles

J.E Sandoval is a wonderful friend I met online and have interacted with via social media only, mostly via YouTube where both of us produce video content and commentary, etc and although I never met him in person, I consider him a friend.   I wrote a plug about his first book, Blood of the Righteous: Book 1 of  the Ki Kalendeen Chronicles, here on this very blog back when it was first released, but since then J.E. Sandoval, aka Jim has written a couple of short stories, "Pirates of the Decian Sea",  & "Trouble At The Scholar's Inn" available for download on Amazon Kindle, mobile devices and other e-reader applications..

J.E. Sandoval is currently in the final phase of releasing the second book of The Ki Kalendeen Chronicles which I am looking forward to reading because not only was Blood of the Righteous a fantastic story of adventure and fantasy, but a character in the upcoming second book, Jorrig, an ass-kicking member of The Blackguard, a hard-core division of The Fallen,.is in part based on me.

Not only do I know some wonderfully talented authors, but I also know some great musicians, mostly due to my short lived career of six years as a producer and director of a successful music television program on Salem's cable access television station.  During this time period, I was also obtaining my degree in film, journalism and photography, so not only did I feature local musicians in film, music video and photography for my class projects and course work, but also earned a living freelancing as a videographer and photographer in the local North Shore music scene.  There's no way I'm going to cover the immense amount of local, regional and national music talent I covered during that period, so I'm just going to cover those who were among friends.

Brian Maes

Brian Maes
Brian Maes was a regular player at Bleachers, a popular bar and nightclub in downtown Salem, Massachusetts, my favorite hangout back in the day where I met several great friends, the one and very same place where I met Chris Dowgin who is also friends with Brian.

During those years I've come to know Brian and because I loved his music I had him on my television show and featured his work and band in a music video I produced and directed as a final project for my film class at Umass for his song "Don't Send Me an Angel".

Brian Maes has a very impressive and long career in music not only as a solo artist, but as a former member of RTZ with Brad Delp & Barry Goudrea of Boston, and Tim Archibald, all of whom I've met and gotten to know during those years of my former life

Currently, both Brian Maes and Tim Archibald are with Ernie and the Automatics.  Brian has also played with Peter Wolf, famous as the lead singer of The J Giels Band. There's so much more to Brian Maes and his music not even mentioned here.  I just wanted to introduce him and some of his wonderful work to you.   I haven't seen or spoken to Brian in years, in part due to losing my home and life's film, video and photography work to a fire in 2001.

Powerman 5000

Powerman 5000
Prior to pursuing my degree and potential career in film, video and photography I worked as a courier, more specifically, a bicycle messenger, like Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver, lol.   It was then that I worked with Adam Williams, guitarist for Powerman 5000.  I worked with Adam for four years and when I parted ways with the courier company, did not see Adam again until Powerman 5000 played at Bleachers a few years later, who of course was featured live on location for my television show.  Although all my work in film, video, television and photography has been destroyed back in 2001 due to a fire, that show with Powerman 5000 is the only footage I still have to this day.

There's others I'd like to cover here, but it's beginning to become hectic around here as I prepare to wind down for Thanksgiving, so, perhaps I will edit this post later to add a couple other friends and their work.

August 16, 2012

Bye Bye Whore, Hello Podunk

So much has happened in my personal life over the last couple weeks and I feel very compelled to share with you these things.

As many of you may know, I was being evicted from my home and facing homelessness, but working on being placed into family shelter through the Massachusetts Department of Housing and Community Development, however, that plan fell apart and things went entirely in a different direction.

The eviction was executed on August 2nd, however, we were told by DHCD that we would not be eligible for shelter placement until August 6th, so, my daughter, wife and I camped out in a tent on the beach behind a local campground for the weekend with the intention of following through with our plan to be placed via DHCD.

Camping on the beach in a Bivy Tent

That all changed Sunday morning, August 5th when my wife, at 6:30am woke me up in her fit of psychotic and delusional behavior that caused me to panic because I did not want campers in the nearby campground to hear her loud and disruptive behavior that would certainly lead to someone calling the police if she didn't shut up, so, freaking out over the possibility of facing legal issues over camping on the beach and being homeless with a child, I began packing everything up and then walked away.

Naturally my wife ranted and screamed the entire way and in doing so told me that while drunk, on three separate occasions, has cheated on me by having sex with three different men. I was FURIOUS and very hurt and told her that our relationship is OVER. When we arrived in downtown, I put our tent and gear back into our storage bin, and then my wife, the mother of my children, said she was taking off and going to disappear.

My daughter and I watched her walk away for a moment, and then I asked my little girl, "Do you want to follow mommy" and her answer was "No, just let her go.. I want to stay with you daddy".... It was the following morning that we were to return to DHCD, however, now that my wife was not with us, we had friends willing to help us, so, spent the night at one such friends and then moved to the Cape to temporarily live with my mother and older daughter. Previously this was not an available option since my wife was not welcome, and as much as I do appreciate my mother's help and really enjoy being with my older daughter, that she and my youngest are together, the situation presents some difficult challenges for me because I am transgender and am being forced back into repression and hiding who I am due to my mother's fears, etc over the reactions of others and that of my older daughter who does not know. The other challenge here is that this community is akin to podunk and you need a vehicle to get anywhere. I simply hate this area and feel trapped, but it'll have to do until I can change that, which I feel may not be for a long time since school starts in a couple weeks and I am not willing to disrupt my child's education in order to move to another town, although I do hope to be out of my mom's house and in a place of my own within a couple to few months.

I did manage to get my PC, so, will be back to my normal networking and blogging activities and with luck save my business that is falling apart. I'm certain my business will fully collapse near the beginning of next month since I have two invoices overdue for $250 which if not paid will cause me to lose domains and my web server, putting me completely out of business and losing any little income being generated. The other challenge for me is how to pay $300 in court costs due by Sept 13 for a bogus charge that was dismissed, so, I simply feel overwhelmed and fucked.

To make matters worse, my motorcycle is in my father in laws yard and he is demanding that I remove it ASAP or he'll "get rid of it", this after he gave me permission to park it there. He's just being a jerk to me because of his daughter, and well, I have no way to get it, nor the money to do so. DAMN, I love my bike and will be pissed if I lose it.

Anyway, I had to return to my home area to tie up loose ends over the past weekend, chase down some documents, get my PC from storage, etc and took my daughter to the Chinese August Moon Festival in Boston's Chinatown. We had a great time and it was a much needed break for me to get away from my mom's for the weekend so I can put on my wig, makeup, skirt and heels, etc. I am MISERABLE when I am denied the ability to be my self, and here I sit writing this all a mere 4 days after returning and I am already irritable, depressed and anxious over the fact I am unable to outwardly express my gender identity.

Chinese August Moon Festival, Chinatown, Boston 2012
Chinese August Moon Festival, Chinatown, Boston 2012

There's some great news too. Today I was in Probate and Family court and have been granted emergency sole legal and physical custody of my six year old daughter and given the circumstances with her mother, I should be granted custody permanently when the hearing takes place, I believe in 90 days.

Tomorrow I hope to be hired for a job somewhere, although there's jack shit out here other than small retail and food service, I need something, so, hopefully find something ASAP before shit gets worse again.

All I know is, I really need to improve and change my life and the sooner, the better.

July 17, 2012

Thugs, Plugs & Bugs

Thugs, Plugs & Bugs

This is just fucking INSANE!

Yesterday afternoon, a very short time after finishing up my last post, I received a phone call from the local police department regarding my scumbag aunt's call to them with false accusations due to my being transgender. To state that the call stressed me out is an understatement as I thought it has already been resolved, but apparently they had to follow up on just one more thing before finally disposing of the matter and now my day is already off to a bad start as a result.

So, after returning home from the police station, I find my wife in the kitchen playing with a screwdriver and discover that she has removed all the plates from every single light switch and electrical outlet in the house.  I ask her what she's doing and she tells me that she is looking for bugs, and by bugs I don't mean roaches and spiders, but electronic surveillance devices, because she is once again convinced that the house is bugged for both audio and video recording.    I assure her that this is not true, and that it's all in her mind, that it's not real, but before I could finish, she flips out and firmly says "Oh yeah, then what the fuck is this" as she pulls out a tiny electronic thingamajig from her pocket, continuing with "it's a fucking bug" and says that she found it right in front of the house, and then she babbles on and on about "bugs in the plugs".

My Wife's "US Government Electronic Surveillance Bug" LOL

Out of curiosity, I asked to see this "bug" of hers and knowing I would probably rant about this, I decided to take some photographs of it, and it turns out my camera is suffering issues, so, the photos didn't come out too good.  My best guess is that it could be some sort of remnants of a trashed laser pointer.  I don't know enough of electronics to determine what the pieces are part of, but it does appear to have what is either some sort of LED or a tiny lens, which is what makes me think it was a laser pointer, nevertheless, telling her this does not convince her as she truly believes it to be a bug.  When I ask her "who would bug the house" she says "it's the government" and now all I can think of is that movie Conspiracy Theory starring Mel Gibson, lol.

I don't know how much more of this I can put up with, but, the situation was bad enough when during this time the police officer called again to confirm some things and now my wife is very suspicious and convinced that I am working in cahoots with the police to have her locked up for some delusional conspiracy theory.

July 14, 2012

Haunted by Witchcraft

Haunted by Witchcraft:

Demons & Spooks

For fucks sake! My wife's delusions never cease. Matter of fact, they are getting worse and now include visual and auditory hallucinations.  I don't know what to do with her any more.

For those of you that read this blog regularly, you know about my camping trip with my friends Angel Silver Moon and her boyfriend Fapper 666.  Well, Angel Silver Moon is a herbalist, a person who uses herbal remedies for healing purposes, and she is also a follower of Druidism who enjoys pagan lore.   During our camping trip, Angel Silver Moon brought along one of her daggers, after all, who doesn't bring a knife with them for camping.   Anyway, one afternoon hanging out with them at their home around the beginning of this month, my wife was acting like a suck pill, commenting how she wanted to throw her self in front of a car.

Fapper 666 is a home brewer, not because he's an alcoholic or frequent drinker, but because he likes brewing and sees home brewed beers and wines as something to trade for when shit hits the fan.  He just likes making beer and is known for giving his beers and wines away to family and friends, and of course he tastes his brews, drinking casually, however, later that night that we were at his house, he got really stinking drunk and blacked out.   During the blackout, he was laying in the road and picked up by police who brought him to the hospital under the premises that he was "trying to kill himself".

So, here we are today and my wife has been ranting on and on about being haunted, and she is convinced that both Angel Silver Moon & Fapper 666 are behind it, because, according to my wife, they're doing spells on her.   She is convinced of this because of Angel Silver Moon's dagger and her love of herbal remedies, and she's convinced that Fapper 666's laying in the street was to mock her and put her under a demonic spell. She claims to see ghosts, spooks and demons.   She is also convinced that the neighbor behind us, the same one she claimed was an undercover cop, as well as a federal agent, a member of the Mafia, a friend of her former manager at her former job and many other things, is a satanist and that he too is performing rituals and spells to haunt her.  She claims the tree out back is a satanic shrine, because it has decorations on it. It's crazier than this though, as there is more, the gorgeous neighbor downstairs, my wife is convinced that she is a "mind surfer" who invades her mind at night to "read her thoughts" and make her feel things.   A few times this week, usually at night, my wife would be shaking and crying, claiming to be seeing demons and ghosts.  She claims to "smell" her deceased grandmother inside the house, because, according to my wife, during hurricane Irene, when the tree out back fell, her dead grandmother's spirit come out of it, because trees hold souls.   What the fuck?   She wakes up in the middle of the night freaked out, claiming to be having horrific nightmares, because the woman downstairs is putting demons inside her.   It's always something or somebody.. Neighbors, friends, family, people I don't know or never met, people that don't exist.. Always something and always changing, these fucking delusions and hallucinations.  I can no longer keep up with her goddamn stories.

I don't know what to do.  No fucking way I want to be in a homeless shelter with this crazy woman.

July 12, 2012

Transgender For the Uneducated & Clueless Bigot

Transgender For the Uneducated & Clueless Bigot

Transgender 101

In light of recent events involving certain family members, as well as various instances in the past where one used incorrect terminology in reference to my gender expression to conform to my gender identity, I would like to educate those who are unaware of the correct terminology applicable to transgender persons.  I would also like to dispel common myths espoused by bigots.

First, the term TRANSGENDER is an all inclusive umbrella term that includes ALL variations of gender identity, gender expression, and gender variation that does not conform to any binary gender.   When in doubt as to a persons specific gender identification and/or reasons for gender expression, the correct term to use at all times is TRANSGENDER, because, if you use a more specific term that may not apply to the individual, you are very likely to not only offend them, but cause the person emotional distress.

Now let's get into some of the more specific terms of various gender identity and gender expression related terminology.  I am only going to cover the basics and most common.

  • Transsexual - A transsexual is a person with the gender identity of the opposite sex engaged in gender expression to present themselves as the gender they identify with.  In simplest terms, a transsexual is a person born with the body of the wrong sex.  Most transsexuals seek medical treatment such as hormone replacement therapy or sex reassignment surgery although does not always include surgery for a variety of reasons, one of them usually being financial.  A transsexual is either a man born in the body of a woman, which is commonly referred to as Transman, Transgender Man, or FTM (Female Transitioning to Male), or a woman born in the body of a man, commonly referred to as Transwoman, Transgender Woman, or MTF (Male Transitioning to Female).  In my case, Transsexual is the most accurate term to describe me personally as I was born male, identify as female and express my self as female and transition has been in progress for some time
  • Cross Dresser - In simplest terms, a cross dresser is a male who wears the clothing of the opposite sex, BECAUSE the garments are associated with the opposite sex and often includes gender expression but usually does not include gender identification except on a temporary basis. Cross-dressers have little or no interest in changing sex.
  • Transvestite - A transvestite is a person who wears clothing of the opposite sex for sexual gratification or sexual purposes due to fetishistic elements of either the garments themselves or the gender role associated with the garment(s).

  •  Drag Queen - a drag queen is a male engaged in gender expression as a member of the opposite sex for the purpose of performance art and entertainment which often includes comedy, theater, singing and dancing.  The majority of drag queens are gay men, however, there are some heterosexual male drag queens.  The female version of drag is referred to as Drag King.

    When you meet a transgender person in public not in a "club" setting, in the majority of instances, but not always, that person is most likely transsexual since cross dressers and/or transvestites usually only engage in gender expression behind closed doors although some do venture out in public once in awhile.  When in doubt as to anything specific about the person, ALWAYS use transgender and do not make the mistake of using an incorrect term.

    Next, I'd like to cover derogatory terminology.  Under no circumstances whatsoever should anyone ever use these terms in reference to transgender persons.
    • Shemale - A term used in pornography featuring transsexual women who have not undergone sex reassignment surgery..
    • Tranny - A derogatory slur.  Using this term is similar to calling someone a racial slur.  It is also used in pornography.

      Since I just covered derogatory terminology, lets also cover sexual orientation since many bigots confuse gender identity and gender expression with being gay.   As previously stated, gender identity refers to ones identification of being of either sex, sex is defined by one's biological genitalia born with and gender expression is ones expression of gender through wardrobe, mannerisms, makeup, behavior, appearance, etc.   Sexual orientation however is ones own preference for romantic relationships and/or sexual intercourse and is non inclusive of gender identity or expression in that ones gender identity and expression has nothing whatsoever to do with which sex they prefer relationships or sexual activity with.

      For the same reasons that a woman can be lesbian, so too could a transgender woman. The ONLY time a transgender person is to be referred to as gay is in the cases of gay men engaged in drag queen performance, or transgender men who are sexually attracted to other men.  A transgender woman who is sexually attracted to women is a lesbian.  A transgender woman who is sexually attracted to men, or a transgender man sexually attracted to women, is considered as being straight.  Take note that this does not include cross dressers or transvestites because this is a form of gender expression without the gender identity, so, a cross dresser or transvestite that is sexually attracted to men is considered as being gay, but , a cross dresser or transvestite sexually attracted to women is NOT lesbian, but straight.

      Take note however that the terms gay, straight or lesbian do not apply to the physical sexual acts themselves when involving transgender persons, since a pre-op transgender woman engaged in sexual activity with a natal female is not engaged in "lesbian" sex, but hetero sexual intercourse.  It's complicated.

      Moving on, let's cover some basic transgender etiquette and your ethical responsibilities when dealing with transgender persons in respect to gender identity.

      • Respect their gender identity -  If the person in front of you is presenting themselves as a woman then address that person as a woman. If the person is presenting themselves as a man, then address that person a man. This means that you should use the proper pronouns and address them with the proper name. If you once knew the individual as John but that person now uses the name Mary when expressing her self as female, then you should address her as "Mary." 

      •  Treat them the same as any other person of their gender. - A transgender woman wants to be considered as a woman and treated as such. Similarly, a transgender man wants to be considered a man and treated as a man. Just use some common sense,  that one's biological sex is irrelevant.
      Things NOT to do.

      • Do not refer to biological women/men as "real women/men" in that it conveys the idea that the transgender person is not really a woman or man.
      • Never assume a transgender persons sexuality, nor ever consider transgender persons as sexual deviants or that it is some perversion.  Gender identity with the accompanying gender expression have nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality.

      • Never refer to transgender persons with derogatory terms connotative of sexual orientation, such as faggot, queer, homo, dike, butch, etc.  Gender identity and sexual orientation are unrelated and each a separate distinctive characteristic.
      I know I haven't covered everything, but hopefully this is enough of the simple basics for you to understand that gender identity and/or gender expression is not a perversion or mental illness.   In most types of transgender persons, there is a real NEED for the individual to BE and express themselves as the opposite sex assigned to them at birth.  A transsexual person denied the ability and right to be themselves is extremely distressed.

      As a transsexual woman, I my self am the HAPPIEST I ever been my entire life having been finally able to BE MY SELF and there's simply NO WAY I can undo this, nor can I ever go back.  I WOULD RATHER DIE than have to SUFFER again being something I only was on the outside because of the expectations and societal conditions placed upon me by others.

      July 9, 2012

      Oh My God! I Need to Get Away From This Psycho BITCH!

      Oh My God! I Need to Get Away From This Psycho BITCH!

      I Can't Take Any More of This Fucking Shit!

      Shut the Fuck Up!
      Oh my god, she never shuts the fuck up. All day and night long I am subject to having to hear her endless bitching, pissing, moaning and complaining, and for fucks sake, I am so sick and tired of her goddamn delusions and their accompanying accusations.  It's non stop and I can't stand it any more, nor do I know how to get rid of the psychotic bitch.

      She refuses to seek professional medical treatment for her paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and other mental health issues, nor does she ever listen to any advice I offer nor anything else I suggest or say, and most important of all, she just does not comprehend the meaning of SHUT THE FUCK UP!

      I am so sick of it and feel as if the bitch is bleeding my soul dry, sucking the life out of me.  I am sick and tired of her blaming me for conspiracy theories against her, all involving people I don't even know, or people that have absolutely nothing to do with anything in our life, and even more wacky, people that don't even exist, and I am sick of her hostility and combativeness over imaginary bullshit that isn't even real.... WHAT THE FUCK!  I am sick of being accused of being with the "red & blue people" that are out to get her.

         I swear to god that when the doctors diagnosed her, they should have included that she suffers a severe case of STUPIDITY, because the delusional episodes cause her to be completely clueless and unaware of the ramifications of our current predicament and the situation we're in.   OMFG, what the hell am I gonna do.

      July 7, 2012

      Cacophony Amok

      Cacophony Amok

      The World Spins So Fast That I Might Fly Off

      Mere words expressed can barely touch upon all that consumes my mind of late and for the first time in quite a long time, I ironically find myself at a loss for words and am having immense difficulty articulating myself, all the while holding back the rage boiling deep within.

       It has been a hell of a week and with all that has happened and currently going on, I feel as if I'm about to break.  My mind can barely recover from one catastrophe before another one falls upon my head.   Everything just continues to spiral out of control and each time I dodge a bullet, another rapidly approaches.  I barely have a moment to breath in between and it's all having an impact on me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.   For the first time in my life, I am sick and fucking tired of being alive.   I am so goddamn tired.  I am emotionally destroyed, mentally I'm worn out and lost the will to do anything at all, I am physically weak, sore and exhausted, and spiritually I have lost all faith and hope. but worst of all, I am afraid.... very afraid, and I no longer have the will to stay strong.  As much as I try to keep everything together, this whirlwind's too strong for me to keep holding on.  

       I can barely articulate a single coherent thought without some further impedance manifesting within this cacophonous atmosphere that is my life, so, it is no wonder that I am here now  barely able to decide where to begin without some serious forethought in expressing all that's taken place in the last week, whereas without an addled mind, the words would flow naturally without effort nor thought.

      Logic dictates that one should convey events chronologically, however, it is rather difficult for me to do so, therefore, any chronology of events is considerably lost when trying to convey to others via mere words and this post is likely to be cacophony amok, such is my life as it is.  Bare with me as I try the best I can to explain everything..

      Fist off, although it may appear unrelated to anything whatsoever to do with anything expressed thus far, I assure you that inclusion is necessary, for reasons which will become clear further on.  Last weekend, I attended my first ever Pride event, accompanied by my wife, daughter and great close friend Angel Silver Moon.  If you didn't know already, I am transgender and since Pride is a LGBT event which includes T for transgender, I was interested in attending the North Shore Pride Parade and Festival in Salem, Massachusetts because I thought it would be fun, as well as fun, free entertainment for my daughter who really enjoyed the parade and all the rainbows, and also because I have friends who marched in the parade.   Unlike certain Pride events in other cities, the North Shore Pride event was very family friendly and my child had a FABULOUS time and like any parent normally does at any given events involving their children and fun activities, I took photographs of my child as well as video of the parade, etc.  As any parent commonly does, I shared a couple photos of my daughter at the parade on my personal Facebook page that has family and long time friends.  One of the photos was of her sitting in the grass waving a little rainbow flag, the other was of her standing next to a woman dressed up in an Uncle Sam costume, both her and "Sam" were holding the rainbow flag known as the Gay Pride flag. 

      Well. lo and behold, shortly after posting the aforementioned photos, The Wicked Witch of the East saw the photos of "Dorothy" in Oz and my oh my did she flip her lid and shit bricks over it. At least this is my assumption since what's taken place was immediately after the fact and it's the only reason I can think of, since there is no other explanation whatsoever. I am referring to my maternal aunt, who is an uneducated, prejudiced, bigoted, homophobic and transphobic hypocrite.

      My best guess is that upon learning about the existence of the photographs of my child being at the "gay parade" via an unknown third party, my aunt flipped the fuck out and called the police on me, making some very serious false accusations derived out of her sick and twisted, vile imagination, out of spite and hatred.  According to my aunt, a child holding a rainbow flag at a gay parade is "sick and disgusting" and the stupid cunt actually called the cops on me and told them that I was "posting disgusting and sick photos" of my child on Facebook.   To state that I was vehemently irate over this is an understatement, I was fucking FUMING ANGRY.     First of all, since when is it a fucking police matter regarding photos posted on Facebook, and second, why the fuck are they not asking questions for specific information and details when receiving such calls from dumbass cunts like my aunt. One would think they would question the caller to determine whether or not the matter is a matter of law, because, for police to be involved, a crime must be committed.  The police are not there to enforce morality of bigots. Or maybe they decided to become involved BECAUSE I am transgender, but that would only be speculation based on the assumption that my aunt mentioned it using derogatory terminology.

      As a consequence of that dumb cunts actions, my poor daughter has been traumatized by the entire incident, and also, I am FUCKING PISSED at that no good piece of shit.  HOW FUCKING DARE she call the police and make such malicious false accusations against me because she can't fucking handle the fact that I took MY child to a LGBT Pride event and posted the photos, or that she is FLIPPED OUT over that I am a transgender woman, living MY LIFE..  First off, it's NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS, and second, it's not a fucking police matter.   Since when is it illegal to post pictures of children holding rainbow flags?

      After allowing the police to visually inspect my child and interview her, I was asked to come to the station to logon to my Facebook and allow them access to my profile.  After they confirmed that there was no wrong doing on my part nor any crime took place, and that there were not any "disgusting" photos, we all concluded that my homophobic aunt's definition of "sick and disgusting" does not fall within the legal classifications of ANY crime whatsoever.    Upon returning home from the station, I immediately called the scumbag piece of shit to ask her what the fuck her problem is, however, as usual with this fucking bitch, I wasn't allowed to get a word in since she was running her mouth like a psycho cunt as she commonly does, and she foamed at the mouth making some serious vile accusations that have no merit nor fact, derived out of her own delusional mind because she is a homophobic, transphobic bigot who not only flipped out over pictures of my child with gay rainbow flags, but that she found out I am transgender and also shared photos of myself with my daughter on my other facebook under my female identity, how she even knew that I have no fucking idea, however, transgender was not the word she used, nor does she even remotely have a single clue what it even is or means, she just runs her mouth with derogatory bigoted bullshit and used negative prejudicial terminology, because she HATES anything that does not conform to her version of what people should be like, which is white, catholic, and straight as well as conformist to her and only her point of view.  I should also include that she hates poor people as well, which is hypocritical of her, because the dumbass cunt clearly refuses to accept where she came from, which is working class poor background. She is just a frigging hypocrite.  She can take her holier than thou, better than everyone else snooty attitude and shove it the fuck up her ass.   Ironic that she harbors such hate when her own son, my cousin, is gay, but of course she flipped out upon learning that too, and then she simply pretended it wasn't real.  I'm not surprised that he turned out to be gay after spending his entire childhood being called "Faggot" & "Little Queer" by his mother on a daily basis.  She often also threatened to shove a high heeled shoe up his "Faggot ass".

      My aunt is the kind of stupid cunt who thinks she is always right and that everyone else is always wrong even though the evidence and facts show otherwise.  She is clearly out of her fucking goddamn mind if she thinks a photo of a child holding a rainbow flag is "sick and disgusting", as well as the fact that I am transgender, presenting my self in public as female with my child in my presence.   Seriously?  What the fuck is wrong with her?   Fucked up that she thinks my child should be taken away from me because I am transgender, and that she is the ONLY ONE EVER to have a problem with this, because she truly is one really stupid dumb fuck.   Only stupid bitches like her think being transgender is some sick perversion dangerous to a child.. She's just FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

      She must think she is the almighty, because anyone and everyone involved in my life knows that I am transgender and that I am a GREAT PARENT & POSITIVE ROLE MODEL, yet it is ONLY HER that has a problem with anything, and the only sickness here is hers.  My child's teachers, school nurse, school administrators & staff, bus drivers, dentist and doctors all only know me as a WOMAN.. a transgender woman.  I interacted with them ALL on a regular basis all year long and NOBODY ever had a single problem nor complaint about my gender identity or gender expression.  NOT ONE!    Further, my child has MANY FRIENDS and every single one of their parents have been supportive and accepting of my status as a transgender woman.  Me child has NEVER been denied inclusion in ANY activities whatsoever with her friends, and NOT ONCE has my transgender status EVER been an issue. She visits friends at their houses, plays with them at the park, at the beach, sees them around town, etc, etc...  Everything is the same as it would be if I were a natal female, or even just a man... NOBODY CARES that I am transgender... THIS IS ALL NORMAL and there is NOTHING wrong with it... It is ACCEPTABLE, yet my aunt seems to think it's a problem and a "sick" thing. because she is uneducated, and she is a BIGOT.   The worst part of all this is that she has custody of my oldest daughter because our house in 2001 burned down and she is a liar and a backstabbing bitch.  I noticed that day that my daughter has deleted and blocked me on Facebook and god help that fucking cunt aunt of mine if she resorted to hostile aggressive parenting and shit talked about me to my child and brainwashed my girl with bigotry, hate and prejudice.  My aunt is such a cunt that I have not been able to speak to my daughter since Valentines day, other than via Facebook chat, because my aunt screens her phone calls and NEVER answers when I call, nor ever returns a single phone call.   Over the years, the bitch has had countless bullshit excuses why I couldn't come over and visit my child, and 99% of the time, ANY TIME I ever wanted to take my child out anywhere, the bitch refused to allow it, and not once ever was I allowed to take my child home with me for overnight or vacation stays, although the hypocrite always allowed her own cunt crack whore, coke addicted slut daughter take her out, but not me, and I am the child's father.  My aunt is just a CUNT.

      Speaking of her being a bigot, several years ago when she was an EMT, one evening while drunk with her bigot and holier than thou friends and scumbag second husband, she had the audacity to brag how she and her co-worker scumbag denied medical treatment to a transgender person because she was, according to my aunt, "a worthless piece of shit" because she was a "transvestite nigger" who "deserved to die".    My whole life I heard this woman say terrible nasty things about all sorts of people of various races, religions, cultures, sexual orientations, etc.. She is so hateful.  She is in my opinion, EVIL.

      Consequently, I ranted about the entire fiasco on my Facebook profile I have under my female identity and it was then that I decided to open up and tell everyone on my other Facebook, because I was PISSED about this whole thing.   Prior to this, the only family that knew was my two sisters, my mom, my gay cousin, my wife and youngest daughter, and my wife's entire family.  Naturally all of my close friends know, as well as many former high school and college classmates, and friends I have not seen in a long time, but there were several old friends I haven't seen in ages that didn't know, simply because they didn't need to because they never see me.  That all changed when I also ranted on the Facebook of my legal male name accompanied with photos of me as the girl I am..

      This entire incident has caused me to suffer major stress, anxiety and panic, things already suffered due to my family being evicted, something I mentioned more than once here on this blog, as well as on YouTube.  While I'm on this topic, let me share with you what happened on the 5th when I went to court for the summary process eviction.

      On June 28 I filed an answer to the complaint and sought to have the case transferred to housing court because it would have stalled the case for at least a week or two, perhaps even longer, however, the clerk working that day told me that they don't do this anymore, that transfers are done during the case in court, and decided by the court, however, that turned out to be FALSE.

      Upon my case being called, the clerk magistrate instructed both parties, the landlord and I, to try and  reach an agreement.  He had an attorney and we were unable to reach any form of agreement since he wanted me to be out IMMEDIATELY, which was unacceptable nor doable by me, so, the case went before the judge.  It was then that I requested the transfer, and we were instructed to go to the clerks office, however, was denied transfer because she said it was supposed to be BEFORE THE COURT DATE, and upon me explaining what happened on the 28th, she denied it, which is FUCKING BULLSHIT.    So, back to the courtroom we went to have a bench trial, and OH MY FUCKING GOD was it a freaking circus.   The judge and all of the court staff called me ma'am, miss, she, her, etc, yet the landlord and his attorney called me Mr, sir, him, he, etc, with me correcting them each time, and the snickers in the courtroom as a result were causing me to feel anxious to get the fuck out of there.  The judge was very nice and easy going, and seeing that we had our child with us, he allowed her up front with us, and even had her sworn in as a witness so she would feel included, which I thought was a very nice thing for him to do.  After the landlord and attorney presented their case, I explained to the judge that in light of the circumstances, neither I nor my wife are willing to take the stand and contest the issue of non payment, that the only reason we're even here is because we need time to vacate as we have nowhere to go, nor the funds to move into another apartment.  He then explained to the landlord that it was in his best interests to try to work out some form of arrangements we can both agree upon, so, we all left the courtroom to discuss the matter and agreed on July 28th, so, I have until then to move out, however, I still have nowhere to go nor anywhere close to enough funds to do anything with yet.   Considering the previous discussion, I would like to add that the judge nor any other court staff found me being transgender to be "sick and disgusting".  I wonder if my aunt would think she knows better than a court judge.

      Finally, my wife's mental illness is driving me freaking insane.  I can't take it anymore... all day and night I have to put up with her incessant delusional bullshit and I am SICK OF IT.  I am sick and tired of her paranoid schizophrenia.  I am sick of the delusions and hallucinations, I am sick of the riddles and games and I am sick of the accusations and their accompanying hostility and I greatly FEAR being homeless with a child with this psycho woman, because she is another disaster and crisis waiting to happen.

      I suppose this post is all over the place, so, I don't know what more I can add at this time although my chaotic life is not short of material to share.  I'm rather overwhelmed with too much and what's already been stated is barely the tip of the iceberg.  I also want to add, thanks to my douchebag aunt and the stress and anxiety she cause my family, I started smoking again after over a week of being smoke free.

      I am so sick and tired of dealing with so much shit and I really need to get away from everything.  With what little funds I have, our crap will go into a storage bin and since we have nowhere to stay I will take my daughter out to go camp for two weeks at a campground IF I can even afford it, otherwise we'll be living in whatever woods we can find, although considering, I really would feel safer at a campground because of my child.   Being transgender and going to a homeless shelter with a paranoid schizophrenic wife and a six year old child is a VERY FRIGHTENING thing to even think about.  If at all costs, I hope to avoid this.   Honestly, I don't know what the fuck to do any more.

      One last thing... My computer is REALLY PISSING ME OFF.  I am sick of the damn CPU overheating and the PC going off at the worst time possible and the other one my friend let me have is sooooo slow I can barely get anything done.   Seems I can't have anything go my way these days.  All week I have been wanting to record video for my YouTube channel, but too much shit keeps getting in my damn way, mostly my wife who is constantly up my ass and in my face with stupid bullshit.

      June 15, 2012

      The Final Days of My Demise

      The Final Days of My Demise

      I am now agonized over the absolute certainty of my world as I know it coming to a catastrophic upheaval, culminating in complete destruction.  I abhor the doom that awaits me as it surely feels like certain death of my mind and spirit, because the ultimate and worst consequence of this disaster is potentially the loss of my child since our nation is a police state and would seek to take my child due to being homeless, yet, on the same token, has in large part contributed to the cause that resulted in the homelessness.

      As I sit here writing this post, I went into a long winded fit of rage several paragraphs in length, finally coming to my senses and deleting it all for the sake of not offending anyone whom may take things the wrong way and twist it all out of context.  Simply put, I am angry, depressed, overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and dread, that and so much more beyond words.  I am having great difficulty describing the myriad of emotions and feelings running amok in my mind right now, but I assure you, it is damn frustrating, and it scares me to death.  I am VERY AFRAID and I need help.

      I don't like being in the position of needing to ask for help, because I feel powerless and it's not only damaging to my self esteem, but makes me feel like shit.  I try to keep a positive outlook and feel confident that I can do whatever it takes to resolve this fucking disaster, but I'm now at my wits end and I'm losing my fucking mind.

      If you're a regular reader of this blog, or are one of my YouTube subscribers, personal friend, or social network friend / follower, then you already know that I am suffering financial difficulties and am in the middle of eviction proceedings.  Well, today I was finally served summons with a court date of July 5th and knowing that the courts only allow a MAXIMUM of 10 days before executing the eviction, this means I have exactly 30 days left before I am out on the streets, with NOWHERE TO GO with my six year old child and paranoid schizophrenic wife.

      It's driving me fucking insane trying to figure out how to resolve this.  I try and try and I am sick and fucking tired of not getting anywhere in changing the situation and it's scaring the shit out of me.   I asked friends and family for help and NOT ONE of them can do anything whatsoever to help, NONE OF THEM.   I called Salvation Army, St Vincent De Paul, Catholic Charities, Community Action and numerous other charitable organizations hoping for some form of help in avoiding homelessness, all to no avail as they all claim to be out of funding and unable to help, with the exception of St Vincent De Paul who simply said I do not qualify due to not having enough income to maintain my household budget, basically saying that if they did assist with funds to payoff my rental debt, that I would potentially be back in this very same position months down the road, so, their answer was "sorry, we can't help you".   Now, when I say they can't help, I mean they can't or won't help with my eviction and pending homelessness problem.  They did and do help with food when and if needed, but that's it.

      I also contacted State and Federal agencies and am getting NOWHERE in obtaining any help whatsoever in resolving my crisis because they either claim I do not qualify, or they're out of funding.  One such program that claimed to be out of funds was the Massachusetts RAFT program.  Another, called Home Base, told me that my income was inadequate, therefore I do not qualify.

      It seems anything and everything I try ends up in failure these days.  I reached out to people online asking for help, hoping perhaps a miracle would happen, and while three people did donate cash totaling $270, I really was hoping things would have been much better than that since my thinking was, that if I have around 1800+ social media contacts and friends, roughly around 100 or so of them from real life, plus daily blog visitors, that perhaps if each donated only $2, that it would raise around $4000, but no, this did not happen.

      Feeling that perhaps asking people to help may seem like a bad thing, I thought perhaps I could create some sort of incentive and offer something in return, so, I come up with the Occupy My Blog campaign, hoping to sell advertising and social media linking, etc, but this too ended up in miserable failure.  After an estimated 3500+ people viewed the relevant posts detailing the ad packages up for offering, not one ad spot was sold.  Currently, two spots are occupied since a these YouTube each donated more than $100 each of the $270 mentioned above, so, naturally I want to link to them and promote them as a way of thanks, but for some reason, I really thought it was a good idea, and apparently it was not, which sucks.  I even dropped the price down to $20 which is a great deal considering, yet, it still fails in getting any sort of results that can help me out of this crisis.

      What I'm really aiming for is to come up with enough to move into a new apartment, since it seems easier to do that than to have to scrape up $5000+, but that's only part of the problem.  I also still owe legal debts, which come out to $480 and while I was trying to accumulate funds to either pay or move, I end up paying utilities and other costs, such as my business accounts payable, etc.   Now, while I'm at it, I should also add to this that I have done some really STUPID things, such as buy cigarettes, because both my wife and I are addicted and are having EXTREME difficulty in quitting.  I KNOW I can, and I want to, and I know I NEED TO, yet, every time I tried, I feel like I am succeeding and then my wife pushes my buttons hard with her delusional psycho behavior, which boils my blood so bad that I go back to smoking... It's difficult to stop under this kind of stress.  I was out all afternoon, roughly around 5 hours alone with my daughter and I didn't smoke one single cigarette, yet, when I returned home, my wife was up my ass and in my face with her crazy shit, and she was smoking in the house after I repeatedly asked her not to, therefore, I lit up.  I am sick of it.   Here I am ranting on and on about needing help, yet I am contributing to my own disaster and doom due to this weakness.  Perhaps I could have left that bit out, but I am being honest and straight up here, because things like this don't only happen due to economic downturn, but from irresponsibility as well, so, I wanted to accept responsibility for creating part of the problem and that I am fully committed to quitting as I KNOW it is a contributing factor to my problem, therefore, I WILL QUIT, because if I don't, things are going to be REALLY BAD and because of all this shit that's happened, I HATE THE FUCKING THINGS AND WHAT IT CAUSED. I am DONE.. I may be powerless in changing my situation, but I will NOT be powerless to a fucking cigarette and I am going to FIGHT THE URGE to smoke, and so help me god, I will NOT smoke any more. I only have 8 smokes left, and knowing it's easier to quit in the morning after being smoke free for those hours of sleep, I will start my first day smoke free in the morning, because it's harder to stop right now with nicotine in my system. NO MORE EXCUSES, and I'm not just saying that so people will help me, I really want to do this. It's something I regularly talked about on numerous blogtv broadcasts, so, it's not a new thing. Biggest fucking mistake of my life and if I don't quit, I WILL REGRET IT because my life is fucked up and will get worse if I keep smoking, and I have my little girl to worry and think about, so I will STOP! I might be a miserable prick the first day, but after that it's smooth sailing.

      Job hunting around here is a fruitless nightmare.  At least four days a week for the past month or more, and NOTHING.  I feel like the entire ordeal was a complete WASTE OF TIME and it is frustrating as fuck.   I listed items on Craigslist, including my motorcycle and not one thing sold.  I even have things here on my blog, that I listed months ago and still, no buyers.  Over the last three months I listed over 300+ items on eBay with only a dozen items selling, which means more wasted time and false hope.  Why is anything and everything I do to try to resolve this crisis end up not working out in my favor?   I even make more YouTube videos hoping any of them would be successful enough to grow my channel enough to generate a significant income, yet it never happens.  Yeah, sure people like Ray William Johnson and several others all can earn six figure incomes doing videos, yet it seems impossible for me to even make just enough to pay bills.   My Google income for last month was a miserable $56, most of that from YouTube.. fucking PATHETIC.  What was I thinking when I thought I could become popular on YouTube and even make a living doing it.

      Meanwhile, I still am doing anything and everything I can to turn my business around and generate more income, yet nothing seems to be improving and it's driving me fucking insane.  I keep hoping, I keep trying and I keep trying to stay positive that my businesses income will pick up in the near future, but I'm running out of time.  The clock is ticking.. I now have exactly 30 DAYS remaining before I am officially HOMELESS, after that, there will be no more blog posts, no more YouTube videos, no more social networking, and my business will completely crash and burn, since I work online maintaining a network 100 domains utilizing affiliate marketing programs for revenue, which was in the past successful, but took a bad turn and now in need of overhaul to get back to the way it used to be.  The economy played a big part in this as well since it's no PPC, but commission per sale, so, once I am homeless, everything is gone since I will not be online to maintain the properties, keep up with domain renewals, hosting, etc.   Sure this blog and YouTube will still be here when I get back, but without updates and fresh content regularly, I can kiss any income from Google goodbye.   I also would lose communication with so many people I enjoy networking with, because I would not have internet access being homeless, because I only have a desktop.... So, in approximately 30 days, I will be saying my goodbyes.....  I'm fucking falling apart and don't know where I am gonna go.   I even called shelters, and OMG what a nightmare that is.. It would take numerous lengthy paragraphs to get into all that, but to make it short, homeless shelters are NOT a viable option for me and my daughter, not ifs ands or buts.

      I am simply FUCKED and I truly NEED YOUR HELP.  I posted a photo I took of the summons I got delivered today in the hopes that it shows authenticity of my predicament and would motivate people to kindly donate to help me avoid becoming homeless.  Personally identifying information of all persons has been redacted from the photo for security purposes. With the donations, I hope to collect at least enough to move into another apartment.   Your donation can be as low as ONE DOLLAR up to whatever you want to contribute.  Paypal takes 2.9% +.30 as a fee and the rest will be credited to my Paypal account.

      Please donate to help.

      Thank you.

      The only income I know that is coming in over the next couple weeks is approximately $275, and without any resolution to this crisis, is likely to be spent on acquiring a storage bin and making a payment on outstanding legal fees for which I face penalty if not paid. I'm desperate and freaking the fuck out.

      May 27, 2012

      Adventure at Lorraine Park Campground in Harold Parker State Forest

      Adventure at Lorraine Park Campground in Harold Parker State Forest

        As a prepper and survivalist, a friend and I have been wanting to go camping for some time so that we can do a dry run on bugging out as well as test our skills in such things as water filtration, identifying, preparing and eating wild edible plants, fishing and more.  We also hoped to create videos on survival and various other related topics.  We chose to camp at Lorraine Park Campground in Harold Parker State Forest, Andover, Massachusetts. Since we could only camp for one night due to lack of transportation as well as funds, we decided to arrive early and got to the campground office at 8:30am hoping to secure our camp site early so that he and I can go off into the forest while the girls were set up and left at the camp site, however, we were very disappointed to find out that the park does not open until 1pm, so, a huge dent was put into our plans.
      Frye Pond, Lorraine Park Campground, Harold Parker State Forest, Andover, Massachusetts
      Frye Pond, Lorraine Park Campground, Harold Parker State Forest, Andover, Massachusetts
       We decided to go for a hike deep in the forest, our gear left behind, tightly packed into the back of my friend's car that was left in the state park's headquarters.  My wife constantly complained, so, there were repeated trips back to the car for food, water, bathroom visits, etc which made our hiking rather chaotic.

      Finally we got our camp site registered and by the time we had the tents set up, a fire going and lunch prepared, it was no around 3pm and we were all just too damn worn out and disorganized for doing survival related stuff and making videos.   Since checkout was at 11am, I had hoped to be up at the break of dawn to head out deep into the forest with my gear, wild plants book and camera, however, I was not expecting to be awaken by rain at 4:30am as the roof of my bivy tent is screen and was not covered with the rain fly so I could see the sky and stars as I lay inside, so, I was woken up as the rain fell on me.  By the time the sun was up shortly thereafter, I was in no mood to go hiking and make videos, etc.   The girls were miserable and cranky due to unexpected arrival of menstruation, and we ended up calling our ride to pick us up early.
      Angel Silver Moon, Fapper666, & Asshole Blogger with wife and daughter. at Lorraine Park Campground
      Angel Silver Moon, Fapper666, & Asshole Blogger with wife and daughter. at Lorraine Park Campground

      Next time, we will have to make arrangements for a whole weekend.   Although it was only a single night, we did have alot of fun exploring the trails within the forest with all its various ponds.  We found frogs, toads, turtles, snakes and various interesting plants.   At our camp site, a beaver come up to us, as well as a family of Canadian Geese which remained the rest of the night.   Our camp site was directly in front of Frye Pond, so we had to listen to the constant chatter of bull frogs and other pond creatures.

      I took some photos and video footage, so thought I would share some of them here on my blog.  The videos were pretty much random and chaotically crazy, so I edited them together in a montage to put up on my YouTube channel since I promised my BlogTV viewers that I would bring back some video footage of our camping adventure at Harold Parker State Forest.

      With Fapper666 and I splitting the $12 fee to camp for one night, it was definitely worth the $6 I spent to have so much fun with not only my family, but great friends.  I can't wait to do it again.

      April 15, 2012

      The Best Fun for the Family is Free Fun

      The Best Fun for the Family is Free Fun

      An Adventure at Clipper City Rail Trail.

      Clipper City Rail Trail, Newburyport, Massachusetts
      Clipper City Rail Trail, Newburyport, Massachusetts
      As a parent, I am constantly on the lookout for fun things to do with my daughter, and to be frank, sometimes things just cost way too much, and considering my financial distress, money is tight, therefore, can not be spent on leisure or entertainment.

      My daughter, like her dad, is an explorer and an adventurer who loves to learn new things and see new places and things, so, I'm always on the hunt for interesting places to take her for some fun as well as for education, and since I am often broke,  I look for fun things to do that are free, or things we can do together that are very inexpensive.

      On Saturday morning, as usual, my daughter stated that she was bored, something she says quite often, so, knowing that she loves riding on the trains, I decided to see what was around that we could do for free that was conveniently located near any of our local MBTA commuter rail stations and that's when I discovered the Clipper City Rail Trail in Newburyport, Massachusetts.

      The Clipper City Rail Trail begins just across the street from the Newburyport MBTA commuter rail station and ends at the Merrimac River and downtown Newburyport is just a short block away for strolling through Newburyport's old New England downtown for eating, entertainment and shopping, although to do these three things, one must have tons of cash, because Newburyport is excessively expensive.

      The Clipper City Rail Trail is paved and is 1.1 miles long, offering beautiful scenery, nature, art and fun, all for free. My daughter and I had a great time as my friend and I walked as she roller skated up and down the pathway.  We stopped at all the various public art and sculptures, took tons of photographs, smelled the flowers, and even spent a little while sitting in the sun on a nice bench with a beautiful view.

      There are a few additional paths on this trail we haven't explored, so, knowing how much my little one enjoyed it, we will go again, because after showing my wife the photos, she too is interested in going.   I am also hoping to make a group thing of it and invite along several friends for a free fun filled day they can bring their kids to.

      The photographs to the left are just a small sample of what Clipper City Rail Trail has to offer as well as being only a fraction of the photos I took that day.

      If you're interested in knowing more about Clipper City Rail Trail, the City of Newburyport has a page on their website with details and information on the Clipper City Rail Trail as well as several photographs.

      Next time I go, I'll be sure to have some cash on me so we can enjoy an ice cream cone from Haylees Ice Cream which is close to the entrance of the trail, and they have outdoor seating, or, you can head back to the trail and sit on the benches made out of hay bales.

      Summer is right around the corner and knowing how easily my daughter gets bored, I'll be looking out for more fun and exciting things to do that are free, or very cheap, because $100+ days of fun are way out of my damn budget.   Everything is so damn expensive these days.

      Download A Walking Tour of Newburyport: by Doug Gelbert , available for Kindle, iPad, and iPhone.