Showing posts with label Homelessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homelessness. Show all posts

August 16, 2012

Bye Bye Whore, Hello Podunk

So much has happened in my personal life over the last couple weeks and I feel very compelled to share with you these things.

As many of you may know, I was being evicted from my home and facing homelessness, but working on being placed into family shelter through the Massachusetts Department of Housing and Community Development, however, that plan fell apart and things went entirely in a different direction.

The eviction was executed on August 2nd, however, we were told by DHCD that we would not be eligible for shelter placement until August 6th, so, my daughter, wife and I camped out in a tent on the beach behind a local campground for the weekend with the intention of following through with our plan to be placed via DHCD.

Camping on the beach in a Bivy Tent

That all changed Sunday morning, August 5th when my wife, at 6:30am woke me up in her fit of psychotic and delusional behavior that caused me to panic because I did not want campers in the nearby campground to hear her loud and disruptive behavior that would certainly lead to someone calling the police if she didn't shut up, so, freaking out over the possibility of facing legal issues over camping on the beach and being homeless with a child, I began packing everything up and then walked away.

Naturally my wife ranted and screamed the entire way and in doing so told me that while drunk, on three separate occasions, has cheated on me by having sex with three different men. I was FURIOUS and very hurt and told her that our relationship is OVER. When we arrived in downtown, I put our tent and gear back into our storage bin, and then my wife, the mother of my children, said she was taking off and going to disappear.

My daughter and I watched her walk away for a moment, and then I asked my little girl, "Do you want to follow mommy" and her answer was "No, just let her go.. I want to stay with you daddy".... It was the following morning that we were to return to DHCD, however, now that my wife was not with us, we had friends willing to help us, so, spent the night at one such friends and then moved to the Cape to temporarily live with my mother and older daughter. Previously this was not an available option since my wife was not welcome, and as much as I do appreciate my mother's help and really enjoy being with my older daughter, that she and my youngest are together, the situation presents some difficult challenges for me because I am transgender and am being forced back into repression and hiding who I am due to my mother's fears, etc over the reactions of others and that of my older daughter who does not know. The other challenge here is that this community is akin to podunk and you need a vehicle to get anywhere. I simply hate this area and feel trapped, but it'll have to do until I can change that, which I feel may not be for a long time since school starts in a couple weeks and I am not willing to disrupt my child's education in order to move to another town, although I do hope to be out of my mom's house and in a place of my own within a couple to few months.

I did manage to get my PC, so, will be back to my normal networking and blogging activities and with luck save my business that is falling apart. I'm certain my business will fully collapse near the beginning of next month since I have two invoices overdue for $250 which if not paid will cause me to lose domains and my web server, putting me completely out of business and losing any little income being generated. The other challenge for me is how to pay $300 in court costs due by Sept 13 for a bogus charge that was dismissed, so, I simply feel overwhelmed and fucked.

To make matters worse, my motorcycle is in my father in laws yard and he is demanding that I remove it ASAP or he'll "get rid of it", this after he gave me permission to park it there. He's just being a jerk to me because of his daughter, and well, I have no way to get it, nor the money to do so. DAMN, I love my bike and will be pissed if I lose it.

Anyway, I had to return to my home area to tie up loose ends over the past weekend, chase down some documents, get my PC from storage, etc and took my daughter to the Chinese August Moon Festival in Boston's Chinatown. We had a great time and it was a much needed break for me to get away from my mom's for the weekend so I can put on my wig, makeup, skirt and heels, etc. I am MISERABLE when I am denied the ability to be my self, and here I sit writing this all a mere 4 days after returning and I am already irritable, depressed and anxious over the fact I am unable to outwardly express my gender identity.

Chinese August Moon Festival, Chinatown, Boston 2012
Chinese August Moon Festival, Chinatown, Boston 2012

There's some great news too. Today I was in Probate and Family court and have been granted emergency sole legal and physical custody of my six year old daughter and given the circumstances with her mother, I should be granted custody permanently when the hearing takes place, I believe in 90 days.

Tomorrow I hope to be hired for a job somewhere, although there's jack shit out here other than small retail and food service, I need something, so, hopefully find something ASAP before shit gets worse again.

All I know is, I really need to improve and change my life and the sooner, the better.

July 7, 2012

Cacophony Amok

Cacophony Amok

The World Spins So Fast That I Might Fly Off

Mere words expressed can barely touch upon all that consumes my mind of late and for the first time in quite a long time, I ironically find myself at a loss for words and am having immense difficulty articulating myself, all the while holding back the rage boiling deep within.

 It has been a hell of a week and with all that has happened and currently going on, I feel as if I'm about to break.  My mind can barely recover from one catastrophe before another one falls upon my head.   Everything just continues to spiral out of control and each time I dodge a bullet, another rapidly approaches.  I barely have a moment to breath in between and it's all having an impact on me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.   For the first time in my life, I am sick and fucking tired of being alive.   I am so goddamn tired.  I am emotionally destroyed, mentally I'm worn out and lost the will to do anything at all, I am physically weak, sore and exhausted, and spiritually I have lost all faith and hope. but worst of all, I am afraid.... very afraid, and I no longer have the will to stay strong.  As much as I try to keep everything together, this whirlwind's too strong for me to keep holding on.  

 I can barely articulate a single coherent thought without some further impedance manifesting within this cacophonous atmosphere that is my life, so, it is no wonder that I am here now  barely able to decide where to begin without some serious forethought in expressing all that's taken place in the last week, whereas without an addled mind, the words would flow naturally without effort nor thought.

Logic dictates that one should convey events chronologically, however, it is rather difficult for me to do so, therefore, any chronology of events is considerably lost when trying to convey to others via mere words and this post is likely to be cacophony amok, such is my life as it is.  Bare with me as I try the best I can to explain everything..

Fist off, although it may appear unrelated to anything whatsoever to do with anything expressed thus far, I assure you that inclusion is necessary, for reasons which will become clear further on.  Last weekend, I attended my first ever Pride event, accompanied by my wife, daughter and great close friend Angel Silver Moon.  If you didn't know already, I am transgender and since Pride is a LGBT event which includes T for transgender, I was interested in attending the North Shore Pride Parade and Festival in Salem, Massachusetts because I thought it would be fun, as well as fun, free entertainment for my daughter who really enjoyed the parade and all the rainbows, and also because I have friends who marched in the parade.   Unlike certain Pride events in other cities, the North Shore Pride event was very family friendly and my child had a FABULOUS time and like any parent normally does at any given events involving their children and fun activities, I took photographs of my child as well as video of the parade, etc.  As any parent commonly does, I shared a couple photos of my daughter at the parade on my personal Facebook page that has family and long time friends.  One of the photos was of her sitting in the grass waving a little rainbow flag, the other was of her standing next to a woman dressed up in an Uncle Sam costume, both her and "Sam" were holding the rainbow flag known as the Gay Pride flag. 

Well. lo and behold, shortly after posting the aforementioned photos, The Wicked Witch of the East saw the photos of "Dorothy" in Oz and my oh my did she flip her lid and shit bricks over it. At least this is my assumption since what's taken place was immediately after the fact and it's the only reason I can think of, since there is no other explanation whatsoever. I am referring to my maternal aunt, who is an uneducated, prejudiced, bigoted, homophobic and transphobic hypocrite.

My best guess is that upon learning about the existence of the photographs of my child being at the "gay parade" via an unknown third party, my aunt flipped the fuck out and called the police on me, making some very serious false accusations derived out of her sick and twisted, vile imagination, out of spite and hatred.  According to my aunt, a child holding a rainbow flag at a gay parade is "sick and disgusting" and the stupid cunt actually called the cops on me and told them that I was "posting disgusting and sick photos" of my child on Facebook.   To state that I was vehemently irate over this is an understatement, I was fucking FUMING ANGRY.     First of all, since when is it a fucking police matter regarding photos posted on Facebook, and second, why the fuck are they not asking questions for specific information and details when receiving such calls from dumbass cunts like my aunt. One would think they would question the caller to determine whether or not the matter is a matter of law, because, for police to be involved, a crime must be committed.  The police are not there to enforce morality of bigots. Or maybe they decided to become involved BECAUSE I am transgender, but that would only be speculation based on the assumption that my aunt mentioned it using derogatory terminology.

As a consequence of that dumb cunts actions, my poor daughter has been traumatized by the entire incident, and also, I am FUCKING PISSED at that no good piece of shit.  HOW FUCKING DARE she call the police and make such malicious false accusations against me because she can't fucking handle the fact that I took MY child to a LGBT Pride event and posted the photos, or that she is FLIPPED OUT over that I am a transgender woman, living MY LIFE..  First off, it's NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS, and second, it's not a fucking police matter.   Since when is it illegal to post pictures of children holding rainbow flags?

After allowing the police to visually inspect my child and interview her, I was asked to come to the station to logon to my Facebook and allow them access to my profile.  After they confirmed that there was no wrong doing on my part nor any crime took place, and that there were not any "disgusting" photos, we all concluded that my homophobic aunt's definition of "sick and disgusting" does not fall within the legal classifications of ANY crime whatsoever.    Upon returning home from the station, I immediately called the scumbag piece of shit to ask her what the fuck her problem is, however, as usual with this fucking bitch, I wasn't allowed to get a word in since she was running her mouth like a psycho cunt as she commonly does, and she foamed at the mouth making some serious vile accusations that have no merit nor fact, derived out of her own delusional mind because she is a homophobic, transphobic bigot who not only flipped out over pictures of my child with gay rainbow flags, but that she found out I am transgender and also shared photos of myself with my daughter on my other facebook under my female identity, how she even knew that I have no fucking idea, however, transgender was not the word she used, nor does she even remotely have a single clue what it even is or means, she just runs her mouth with derogatory bigoted bullshit and used negative prejudicial terminology, because she HATES anything that does not conform to her version of what people should be like, which is white, catholic, and straight as well as conformist to her and only her point of view.  I should also include that she hates poor people as well, which is hypocritical of her, because the dumbass cunt clearly refuses to accept where she came from, which is working class poor background. She is just a frigging hypocrite.  She can take her holier than thou, better than everyone else snooty attitude and shove it the fuck up her ass.   Ironic that she harbors such hate when her own son, my cousin, is gay, but of course she flipped out upon learning that too, and then she simply pretended it wasn't real.  I'm not surprised that he turned out to be gay after spending his entire childhood being called "Faggot" & "Little Queer" by his mother on a daily basis.  She often also threatened to shove a high heeled shoe up his "Faggot ass".

My aunt is the kind of stupid cunt who thinks she is always right and that everyone else is always wrong even though the evidence and facts show otherwise.  She is clearly out of her fucking goddamn mind if she thinks a photo of a child holding a rainbow flag is "sick and disgusting", as well as the fact that I am transgender, presenting my self in public as female with my child in my presence.   Seriously?  What the fuck is wrong with her?   Fucked up that she thinks my child should be taken away from me because I am transgender, and that she is the ONLY ONE EVER to have a problem with this, because she truly is one really stupid dumb fuck.   Only stupid bitches like her think being transgender is some sick perversion dangerous to a child.. She's just FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

She must think she is the almighty, because anyone and everyone involved in my life knows that I am transgender and that I am a GREAT PARENT & POSITIVE ROLE MODEL, yet it is ONLY HER that has a problem with anything, and the only sickness here is hers.  My child's teachers, school nurse, school administrators & staff, bus drivers, dentist and doctors all only know me as a WOMAN.. a transgender woman.  I interacted with them ALL on a regular basis all year long and NOBODY ever had a single problem nor complaint about my gender identity or gender expression.  NOT ONE!    Further, my child has MANY FRIENDS and every single one of their parents have been supportive and accepting of my status as a transgender woman.  Me child has NEVER been denied inclusion in ANY activities whatsoever with her friends, and NOT ONCE has my transgender status EVER been an issue. She visits friends at their houses, plays with them at the park, at the beach, sees them around town, etc, etc...  Everything is the same as it would be if I were a natal female, or even just a man... NOBODY CARES that I am transgender... THIS IS ALL NORMAL and there is NOTHING wrong with it... It is ACCEPTABLE, yet my aunt seems to think it's a problem and a "sick" thing. because she is uneducated, and she is a BIGOT.   The worst part of all this is that she has custody of my oldest daughter because our house in 2001 burned down and she is a liar and a backstabbing bitch.  I noticed that day that my daughter has deleted and blocked me on Facebook and god help that fucking cunt aunt of mine if she resorted to hostile aggressive parenting and shit talked about me to my child and brainwashed my girl with bigotry, hate and prejudice.  My aunt is such a cunt that I have not been able to speak to my daughter since Valentines day, other than via Facebook chat, because my aunt screens her phone calls and NEVER answers when I call, nor ever returns a single phone call.   Over the years, the bitch has had countless bullshit excuses why I couldn't come over and visit my child, and 99% of the time, ANY TIME I ever wanted to take my child out anywhere, the bitch refused to allow it, and not once ever was I allowed to take my child home with me for overnight or vacation stays, although the hypocrite always allowed her own cunt crack whore, coke addicted slut daughter take her out, but not me, and I am the child's father.  My aunt is just a CUNT.

Speaking of her being a bigot, several years ago when she was an EMT, one evening while drunk with her bigot and holier than thou friends and scumbag second husband, she had the audacity to brag how she and her co-worker scumbag denied medical treatment to a transgender person because she was, according to my aunt, "a worthless piece of shit" because she was a "transvestite nigger" who "deserved to die".    My whole life I heard this woman say terrible nasty things about all sorts of people of various races, religions, cultures, sexual orientations, etc.. She is so hateful.  She is in my opinion, EVIL.

Consequently, I ranted about the entire fiasco on my Facebook profile I have under my female identity and it was then that I decided to open up and tell everyone on my other Facebook, because I was PISSED about this whole thing.   Prior to this, the only family that knew was my two sisters, my mom, my gay cousin, my wife and youngest daughter, and my wife's entire family.  Naturally all of my close friends know, as well as many former high school and college classmates, and friends I have not seen in a long time, but there were several old friends I haven't seen in ages that didn't know, simply because they didn't need to because they never see me.  That all changed when I also ranted on the Facebook of my legal male name accompanied with photos of me as the girl I am..

This entire incident has caused me to suffer major stress, anxiety and panic, things already suffered due to my family being evicted, something I mentioned more than once here on this blog, as well as on YouTube.  While I'm on this topic, let me share with you what happened on the 5th when I went to court for the summary process eviction.

On June 28 I filed an answer to the complaint and sought to have the case transferred to housing court because it would have stalled the case for at least a week or two, perhaps even longer, however, the clerk working that day told me that they don't do this anymore, that transfers are done during the case in court, and decided by the court, however, that turned out to be FALSE.

Upon my case being called, the clerk magistrate instructed both parties, the landlord and I, to try and  reach an agreement.  He had an attorney and we were unable to reach any form of agreement since he wanted me to be out IMMEDIATELY, which was unacceptable nor doable by me, so, the case went before the judge.  It was then that I requested the transfer, and we were instructed to go to the clerks office, however, was denied transfer because she said it was supposed to be BEFORE THE COURT DATE, and upon me explaining what happened on the 28th, she denied it, which is FUCKING BULLSHIT.    So, back to the courtroom we went to have a bench trial, and OH MY FUCKING GOD was it a freaking circus.   The judge and all of the court staff called me ma'am, miss, she, her, etc, yet the landlord and his attorney called me Mr, sir, him, he, etc, with me correcting them each time, and the snickers in the courtroom as a result were causing me to feel anxious to get the fuck out of there.  The judge was very nice and easy going, and seeing that we had our child with us, he allowed her up front with us, and even had her sworn in as a witness so she would feel included, which I thought was a very nice thing for him to do.  After the landlord and attorney presented their case, I explained to the judge that in light of the circumstances, neither I nor my wife are willing to take the stand and contest the issue of non payment, that the only reason we're even here is because we need time to vacate as we have nowhere to go, nor the funds to move into another apartment.  He then explained to the landlord that it was in his best interests to try to work out some form of arrangements we can both agree upon, so, we all left the courtroom to discuss the matter and agreed on July 28th, so, I have until then to move out, however, I still have nowhere to go nor anywhere close to enough funds to do anything with yet.   Considering the previous discussion, I would like to add that the judge nor any other court staff found me being transgender to be "sick and disgusting".  I wonder if my aunt would think she knows better than a court judge.

Finally, my wife's mental illness is driving me freaking insane.  I can't take it anymore... all day and night I have to put up with her incessant delusional bullshit and I am SICK OF IT.  I am sick and tired of her paranoid schizophrenia.  I am sick of the delusions and hallucinations, I am sick of the riddles and games and I am sick of the accusations and their accompanying hostility and I greatly FEAR being homeless with a child with this psycho woman, because she is another disaster and crisis waiting to happen.

I suppose this post is all over the place, so, I don't know what more I can add at this time although my chaotic life is not short of material to share.  I'm rather overwhelmed with too much and what's already been stated is barely the tip of the iceberg.  I also want to add, thanks to my douchebag aunt and the stress and anxiety she cause my family, I started smoking again after over a week of being smoke free.

I am so sick and tired of dealing with so much shit and I really need to get away from everything.  With what little funds I have, our crap will go into a storage bin and since we have nowhere to stay I will take my daughter out to go camp for two weeks at a campground IF I can even afford it, otherwise we'll be living in whatever woods we can find, although considering, I really would feel safer at a campground because of my child.   Being transgender and going to a homeless shelter with a paranoid schizophrenic wife and a six year old child is a VERY FRIGHTENING thing to even think about.  If at all costs, I hope to avoid this.   Honestly, I don't know what the fuck to do any more.

One last thing... My computer is REALLY PISSING ME OFF.  I am sick of the damn CPU overheating and the PC going off at the worst time possible and the other one my friend let me have is sooooo slow I can barely get anything done.   Seems I can't have anything go my way these days.  All week I have been wanting to record video for my YouTube channel, but too much shit keeps getting in my damn way, mostly my wife who is constantly up my ass and in my face with stupid bullshit.

June 19, 2012

Landlord Harassment

Landlord Harassment

 This post is a follow up to Final Days of My Demise.

The landlord is pissing me off now.  Back on June 1st I offered him the current month's rent due for June and in doing so told him that I am in a position that if I paid this to him that I would not have money to move out and asked if he would delay the eviction so long as I was paying the currently due rent plus whatever I could afford on top of that to go towards the arrears.  He flat out refused and told me to "just move out".

 Since then, I paid $300 to my overdue and pending shut off internet service, which I need to do my work, as well as for communication, etc.  I then paid $100 each on my gas and electric and also went into Boston to get a copy of my birth certificate and pay a reinstatement fee to reinstate my right to operate within Massachusetts.  This came out to $140.   I also had to pay domain renewals and that come out to $80, then an additional $70 for the dedicated server my network runs on.  Of the remaining $210 I still have $110 of it, the rest already spent on bullshit like toothpaste, shampoo, laundry, bus fair and other miscellaneous expenses.

The landlord has called me and left voice mail messages NINE TIMES since the date I received the summons. I simply refused to answer as I have no answers for him.  Well, today he showed up at my door and asked when I am moving out.  My response was "you served me summons to appear for eviction, so, you'll get an answer then".   He got irate and said "just move out".  I reminded him that I offered to pay June's rent and that he refused.  He played stupid trying to deny it and then stated, so, where's the money now.  I told him I paid utilities and other expenses and no longer have it and now the landlord flips out stating "that's bullshit, you didn't spend $5000 on utilities".  Perhaps he should calm the fuck down and clean the shit out of his ears, because I clearly was talking about the $1000 I had on June 1st, yet the guy wants to screw around with this bullshit.  He got irate and screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT".   I responded back, "You filed a complaint in court for eviction, so, no, I will not move out unless I received it in writing from your attorney that the complaint will not be pursued if I move out before the entry date on the summons.  His response was "fuck you, give me the fucking keys", so, I guess going to court is the only option remaining.

 I would LIKE to move out and save the landlord the time and trouble of going to court, and also so that he can get it rented out as fast as possible so he is earning income on the unit, some of which he would of had, had he not refused my payment on June 1st.  Problem is, I have NOWHERE to go, nor am I able to just move out and be on the streets without at least a storage bin for the stuff we need and intend on keeping.

Of course going to court on July 5 knowing I will lose and only be allowed a maximum of 10 days to vacate, I have only 25 days remaining before my family and I will be officially homeless, yet I have hardly any income coming in, although I do know I have $275 coming some time next week, and MAYBE an additional $200 around the 10th of July.  There's also $50 sitting in my Paypal from donations received, so, at least I know I should be able to get some sort of storage bin, BUT, I also know that if I go to court and lose, I will have an eviction for non payment on my record and it will make it impossible to find a new apartment, so, I really wish I could just move out, because prior to all this bullshit, the landlord stated that he would not pursue the matter in court if I just moved out, yet he refuses to give me that in writing, so, what the fuck am I supposed to do, pull monkeys out of my ass.

 As if owing rent is bad enough, there's still the legal fees I was court ordered to pay, so, I still have to pay off $480 by Sept 10, and then there's the driver's license reinstatement fee to be paid in New Hampshire and hopefully I will be able to renew the registration on my motorcycle so that I at least have transportation, but without a home address, being homeless, how the hell do I register my bike.. and then there's the remaining unpaid balance on the utilities which is another $500+, and then on July 11 I get wacked with an annual invoice due on my business, which if is not paid leaves me completely fucked as my entire network of domains and internet properties will go offline, so, I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT as usual, because now I am stressed out over the fact that the landlord showed up today to pressure me into leaving without going to court.

Again I made phone calls to local charitable organizations and again I get the run around that they're out of funds or do not have funds available... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

I am running out of time, am overwhelmed and am having difficulty staying positive as things at this point do not look good.   I have posted here as well as YouTube, etc asking for donations and in total thus far received $330, $270 of it received prior to June 1st which was part of the $1000 mentioned earlier in this post, the other $50 of it still in Paypal as mentioned.   I keep hoping and praying that I can pull out of this mess with the help of others willing to donate, so, if you can, please use the button below.  Thank you.
Please donate to help.

Overall, I need to come up with at least $3500 by my court date of July 5th in order to move into another apartment, so, I am hoping people will help. There's other related posts discussing this issue and my pending homelessness and as I reach out and plea with others for help, it seems hopeless, although six people did donate, I need more as I'm not confident I'm able to pull through this alone.

June 15, 2012

The Final Days of My Demise

The Final Days of My Demise

I am now agonized over the absolute certainty of my world as I know it coming to a catastrophic upheaval, culminating in complete destruction.  I abhor the doom that awaits me as it surely feels like certain death of my mind and spirit, because the ultimate and worst consequence of this disaster is potentially the loss of my child since our nation is a police state and would seek to take my child due to being homeless, yet, on the same token, has in large part contributed to the cause that resulted in the homelessness.

As I sit here writing this post, I went into a long winded fit of rage several paragraphs in length, finally coming to my senses and deleting it all for the sake of not offending anyone whom may take things the wrong way and twist it all out of context.  Simply put, I am angry, depressed, overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and dread, that and so much more beyond words.  I am having great difficulty describing the myriad of emotions and feelings running amok in my mind right now, but I assure you, it is damn frustrating, and it scares me to death.  I am VERY AFRAID and I need help.

I don't like being in the position of needing to ask for help, because I feel powerless and it's not only damaging to my self esteem, but makes me feel like shit.  I try to keep a positive outlook and feel confident that I can do whatever it takes to resolve this fucking disaster, but I'm now at my wits end and I'm losing my fucking mind.

If you're a regular reader of this blog, or are one of my YouTube subscribers, personal friend, or social network friend / follower, then you already know that I am suffering financial difficulties and am in the middle of eviction proceedings.  Well, today I was finally served summons with a court date of July 5th and knowing that the courts only allow a MAXIMUM of 10 days before executing the eviction, this means I have exactly 30 days left before I am out on the streets, with NOWHERE TO GO with my six year old child and paranoid schizophrenic wife.

It's driving me fucking insane trying to figure out how to resolve this.  I try and try and I am sick and fucking tired of not getting anywhere in changing the situation and it's scaring the shit out of me.   I asked friends and family for help and NOT ONE of them can do anything whatsoever to help, NONE OF THEM.   I called Salvation Army, St Vincent De Paul, Catholic Charities, Community Action and numerous other charitable organizations hoping for some form of help in avoiding homelessness, all to no avail as they all claim to be out of funding and unable to help, with the exception of St Vincent De Paul who simply said I do not qualify due to not having enough income to maintain my household budget, basically saying that if they did assist with funds to payoff my rental debt, that I would potentially be back in this very same position months down the road, so, their answer was "sorry, we can't help you".   Now, when I say they can't help, I mean they can't or won't help with my eviction and pending homelessness problem.  They did and do help with food when and if needed, but that's it.

I also contacted State and Federal agencies and am getting NOWHERE in obtaining any help whatsoever in resolving my crisis because they either claim I do not qualify, or they're out of funding.  One such program that claimed to be out of funds was the Massachusetts RAFT program.  Another, called Home Base, told me that my income was inadequate, therefore I do not qualify.

It seems anything and everything I try ends up in failure these days.  I reached out to people online asking for help, hoping perhaps a miracle would happen, and while three people did donate cash totaling $270, I really was hoping things would have been much better than that since my thinking was, that if I have around 1800+ social media contacts and friends, roughly around 100 or so of them from real life, plus daily blog visitors, that perhaps if each donated only $2, that it would raise around $4000, but no, this did not happen.

Feeling that perhaps asking people to help may seem like a bad thing, I thought perhaps I could create some sort of incentive and offer something in return, so, I come up with the Occupy My Blog campaign, hoping to sell advertising and social media linking, etc, but this too ended up in miserable failure.  After an estimated 3500+ people viewed the relevant posts detailing the ad packages up for offering, not one ad spot was sold.  Currently, two spots are occupied since a these YouTube each donated more than $100 each of the $270 mentioned above, so, naturally I want to link to them and promote them as a way of thanks, but for some reason, I really thought it was a good idea, and apparently it was not, which sucks.  I even dropped the price down to $20 which is a great deal considering, yet, it still fails in getting any sort of results that can help me out of this crisis.

What I'm really aiming for is to come up with enough to move into a new apartment, since it seems easier to do that than to have to scrape up $5000+, but that's only part of the problem.  I also still owe legal debts, which come out to $480 and while I was trying to accumulate funds to either pay or move, I end up paying utilities and other costs, such as my business accounts payable, etc.   Now, while I'm at it, I should also add to this that I have done some really STUPID things, such as buy cigarettes, because both my wife and I are addicted and are having EXTREME difficulty in quitting.  I KNOW I can, and I want to, and I know I NEED TO, yet, every time I tried, I feel like I am succeeding and then my wife pushes my buttons hard with her delusional psycho behavior, which boils my blood so bad that I go back to smoking... It's difficult to stop under this kind of stress.  I was out all afternoon, roughly around 5 hours alone with my daughter and I didn't smoke one single cigarette, yet, when I returned home, my wife was up my ass and in my face with her crazy shit, and she was smoking in the house after I repeatedly asked her not to, therefore, I lit up.  I am sick of it.   Here I am ranting on and on about needing help, yet I am contributing to my own disaster and doom due to this weakness.  Perhaps I could have left that bit out, but I am being honest and straight up here, because things like this don't only happen due to economic downturn, but from irresponsibility as well, so, I wanted to accept responsibility for creating part of the problem and that I am fully committed to quitting as I KNOW it is a contributing factor to my problem, therefore, I WILL QUIT, because if I don't, things are going to be REALLY BAD and because of all this shit that's happened, I HATE THE FUCKING THINGS AND WHAT IT CAUSED. I am DONE.. I may be powerless in changing my situation, but I will NOT be powerless to a fucking cigarette and I am going to FIGHT THE URGE to smoke, and so help me god, I will NOT smoke any more. I only have 8 smokes left, and knowing it's easier to quit in the morning after being smoke free for those hours of sleep, I will start my first day smoke free in the morning, because it's harder to stop right now with nicotine in my system. NO MORE EXCUSES, and I'm not just saying that so people will help me, I really want to do this. It's something I regularly talked about on numerous blogtv broadcasts, so, it's not a new thing. Biggest fucking mistake of my life and if I don't quit, I WILL REGRET IT because my life is fucked up and will get worse if I keep smoking, and I have my little girl to worry and think about, so I will STOP! I might be a miserable prick the first day, but after that it's smooth sailing.

Job hunting around here is a fruitless nightmare.  At least four days a week for the past month or more, and NOTHING.  I feel like the entire ordeal was a complete WASTE OF TIME and it is frustrating as fuck.   I listed items on Craigslist, including my motorcycle and not one thing sold.  I even have things here on my blog, that I listed months ago and still, no buyers.  Over the last three months I listed over 300+ items on eBay with only a dozen items selling, which means more wasted time and false hope.  Why is anything and everything I do to try to resolve this crisis end up not working out in my favor?   I even make more YouTube videos hoping any of them would be successful enough to grow my channel enough to generate a significant income, yet it never happens.  Yeah, sure people like Ray William Johnson and several others all can earn six figure incomes doing videos, yet it seems impossible for me to even make just enough to pay bills.   My Google income for last month was a miserable $56, most of that from YouTube.. fucking PATHETIC.  What was I thinking when I thought I could become popular on YouTube and even make a living doing it.

Meanwhile, I still am doing anything and everything I can to turn my business around and generate more income, yet nothing seems to be improving and it's driving me fucking insane.  I keep hoping, I keep trying and I keep trying to stay positive that my businesses income will pick up in the near future, but I'm running out of time.  The clock is ticking.. I now have exactly 30 DAYS remaining before I am officially HOMELESS, after that, there will be no more blog posts, no more YouTube videos, no more social networking, and my business will completely crash and burn, since I work online maintaining a network 100 domains utilizing affiliate marketing programs for revenue, which was in the past successful, but took a bad turn and now in need of overhaul to get back to the way it used to be.  The economy played a big part in this as well since it's no PPC, but commission per sale, so, once I am homeless, everything is gone since I will not be online to maintain the properties, keep up with domain renewals, hosting, etc.   Sure this blog and YouTube will still be here when I get back, but without updates and fresh content regularly, I can kiss any income from Google goodbye.   I also would lose communication with so many people I enjoy networking with, because I would not have internet access being homeless, because I only have a desktop.... So, in approximately 30 days, I will be saying my goodbyes.....  I'm fucking falling apart and don't know where I am gonna go.   I even called shelters, and OMG what a nightmare that is.. It would take numerous lengthy paragraphs to get into all that, but to make it short, homeless shelters are NOT a viable option for me and my daughter, not ifs ands or buts.

I am simply FUCKED and I truly NEED YOUR HELP.  I posted a photo I took of the summons I got delivered today in the hopes that it shows authenticity of my predicament and would motivate people to kindly donate to help me avoid becoming homeless.  Personally identifying information of all persons has been redacted from the photo for security purposes. With the donations, I hope to collect at least enough to move into another apartment.   Your donation can be as low as ONE DOLLAR up to whatever you want to contribute.  Paypal takes 2.9% +.30 as a fee and the rest will be credited to my Paypal account.

Please donate to help.

Thank you.

The only income I know that is coming in over the next couple weeks is approximately $275, and without any resolution to this crisis, is likely to be spent on acquiring a storage bin and making a payment on outstanding legal fees for which I face penalty if not paid. I'm desperate and freaking the fuck out.