Cacophony Amok

Cacophony Amok

The World Spins So Fast That I Might Fly Off

Mere words expressed can barely touch upon all that consumes my mind of late and for the first time in quite a long time, I ironically find myself at a loss for words and am having immense difficulty articulating myself, all the while holding back the rage boiling deep within.

 It has been a hell of a week and with all that has happened and currently going on, I feel as if I'm about to break.  My mind can barely recover from one catastrophe before another one falls upon my head.   Everything just continues to spiral out of control and each time I dodge a bullet, another rapidly approaches.  I barely have a moment to breath in between and it's all having an impact on me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.   For the first time in my life, I am sick and fucking tired of being alive.   I am so goddamn tired.  I am emotionally destroyed, mentally I'm worn out and lost the will to do anything at all, I am physically weak, sore and exhausted, and spiritually I have lost all faith and hope. but worst of all, I am afraid.... very afraid, and I no longer have the will to stay strong.  As much as I try to keep everything together, this whirlwind's too strong for me to keep holding on.  

 I can barely articulate a single coherent thought without some further impedance manifesting within this cacophonous atmosphere that is my life, so, it is no wonder that I am here now  barely able to decide where to begin without some serious forethought in expressing all that's taken place in the last week, whereas without an addled mind, the words would flow naturally without effort nor thought.

Logic dictates that one should convey events chronologically, however, it is rather difficult for me to do so, therefore, any chronology of events is considerably lost when trying to convey to others via mere words and this post is likely to be cacophony amok, such is my life as it is.  Bare with me as I try the best I can to explain everything..

Me

Fist off, although it may appear unrelated to anything whatsoever to do with anything expressed thus far, I assure you that inclusion is necessary, for reasons which will become clear further on.  Last weekend, I attended my first ever Pride event, accompanied by my wife, daughter and great close friend Angel Silver Moon.  If you didn't know already, I am transgender and since Pride is a LGBT event which includes T for transgender, I was interested in attending the North Shore Pride Parade and Festival in Salem, Massachusetts because I thought it would be fun, as well as fun, free entertainment for my daughter who really enjoyed the parade and all the rainbows, and also because I have friends who marched in the parade.   Unlike certain Pride events in other cities, the North Shore Pride event was very family friendly and my child had a FABULOUS time and like any parent normally does at any given events involving their children and fun activities, I took photographs of my child as well as video of the parade, etc.  As any parent commonly does, I shared a couple photos of my daughter at the parade on my personal Facebook page that has family and long time friends.  One of the photos was of her sitting in the grass waving a little rainbow flag, the other was of her standing next to a woman dressed up in an Uncle Sam costume, both her and "Sam" were holding the rainbow flag known as the Gay Pride flag. 


Well. lo and behold, shortly after posting the aforementioned photos, The Wicked Witch of the East saw the photos of "Dorothy" in Oz and my oh my did she flip her lid and shit bricks over it. At least this is my assumption since what's taken place was immediately after the fact and it's the only reason I can think of, since there is no other explanation whatsoever. I am referring to my maternal aunt, who is an uneducated, prejudiced, bigoted, homophobic and transphobic hypocrite.

My best guess is that upon learning about the existence of the photographs of my child being at the "gay parade" via an unknown third party, my aunt flipped the fuck out and called the police on me, making some very serious false accusations derived out of her sick and twisted, vile imagination, out of spite and hatred.  According to my aunt, a child holding a rainbow flag at a gay parade is "sick and disgusting" and the stupid cunt actually called the cops on me and told them that I was "posting disgusting and sick photos" of my child on Facebook.   To state that I was vehemently irate over this is an understatement, I was fucking FUMING ANGRY.     First of all, since when is it a fucking police matter regarding photos posted on Facebook, and second, why the fuck are they not asking questions for specific information and details when receiving such calls from dumbass cunts like my aunt. One would think they would question the caller to determine whether or not the matter is a matter of law, because, for police to be involved, a crime must be committed.  The police are not there to enforce morality of bigots. Or maybe they decided to become involved BECAUSE I am transgender, but that would only be speculation based on the assumption that my aunt mentioned it using derogatory terminology.

As a consequence of that dumb cunts actions, my poor daughter has been traumatized by the entire incident, and also, I am FUCKING PISSED at that no good piece of shit.  HOW FUCKING DARE she call the police and make such malicious false accusations against me because she can't fucking handle the fact that I took MY child to a LGBT Pride event and posted the photos, or that she is FLIPPED OUT over that I am a transgender woman, living MY LIFE..  First off, it's NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS, and second, it's not a fucking police matter.   Since when is it illegal to post pictures of children holding rainbow flags?

After allowing the police to visually inspect my child and interview her, I was asked to come to the station to logon to my Facebook and allow them access to my profile.  After they confirmed that there was no wrong doing on my part nor any crime took place, and that there were not any "disgusting" photos, we all concluded that my homophobic aunt's definition of "sick and disgusting" does not fall within the legal classifications of ANY crime whatsoever.    Upon returning home from the station, I immediately called the scumbag piece of shit to ask her what the fuck her problem is, however, as usual with this fucking bitch, I wasn't allowed to get a word in since she was running her mouth like a psycho cunt as she commonly does, and she foamed at the mouth making some serious vile accusations that have no merit nor fact, derived out of her own delusional mind because she is a homophobic, transphobic bigot who not only flipped out over pictures of my child with gay rainbow flags, but that she found out I am transgender and also shared photos of myself with my daughter on my other facebook under my female identity, how she even knew that I have no fucking idea, however, transgender was not the word she used, nor does she even remotely have a single clue what it even is or means, she just runs her mouth with derogatory bigoted bullshit and used negative prejudicial terminology, because she HATES anything that does not conform to her version of what people should be like, which is white, catholic, and straight as well as conformist to her and only her point of view.  I should also include that she hates poor people as well, which is hypocritical of her, because the dumbass cunt clearly refuses to accept where she came from, which is working class poor background. She is just a frigging hypocrite.  She can take her holier than thou, better than everyone else snooty attitude and shove it the fuck up her ass.   Ironic that she harbors such hate when her own son, my cousin, is gay, but of course she flipped out upon learning that too, and then she simply pretended it wasn't real.  I'm not surprised that he turned out to be gay after spending his entire childhood being called "Faggot" & "Little Queer" by his mother on a daily basis.  She often also threatened to shove a high heeled shoe up his "Faggot ass".

My aunt is the kind of stupid cunt who thinks she is always right and that everyone else is always wrong even though the evidence and facts show otherwise.  She is clearly out of her fucking goddamn mind if she thinks a photo of a child holding a rainbow flag is "sick and disgusting", as well as the fact that I am transgender, presenting my self in public as female with my child in my presence.   Seriously?  What the fuck is wrong with her?   Fucked up that she thinks my child should be taken away from me because I am transgender, and that she is the ONLY ONE EVER to have a problem with this, because she truly is one really stupid dumb fuck.   Only stupid bitches like her think being transgender is some sick perversion dangerous to a child.. She's just FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

She must think she is the almighty, because anyone and everyone involved in my life knows that I am transgender and that I am a GREAT PARENT & POSITIVE ROLE MODEL, yet it is ONLY HER that has a problem with anything, and the only sickness here is hers.  My child's teachers, school nurse, school administrators & staff, bus drivers, dentist and doctors all only know me as a WOMAN.. a transgender woman.  I interacted with them ALL on a regular basis all year long and NOBODY ever had a single problem nor complaint about my gender identity or gender expression.  NOT ONE!    Further, my child has MANY FRIENDS and every single one of their parents have been supportive and accepting of my status as a transgender woman.  Me child has NEVER been denied inclusion in ANY activities whatsoever with her friends, and NOT ONCE has my transgender status EVER been an issue. She visits friends at their houses, plays with them at the park, at the beach, sees them around town, etc, etc...  Everything is the same as it would be if I were a natal female, or even just a man... NOBODY CARES that I am transgender... THIS IS ALL NORMAL and there is NOTHING wrong with it... It is ACCEPTABLE, yet my aunt seems to think it's a problem and a "sick" thing. because she is uneducated, and she is a BIGOT.   The worst part of all this is that she has custody of my oldest daughter because our house in 2001 burned down and she is a liar and a backstabbing bitch.  I noticed that day that my daughter has deleted and blocked me on Facebook and god help that fucking cunt aunt of mine if she resorted to hostile aggressive parenting and shit talked about me to my child and brainwashed my girl with bigotry, hate and prejudice.  My aunt is such a cunt that I have not been able to speak to my daughter since Valentines day, other than via Facebook chat, because my aunt screens her phone calls and NEVER answers when I call, nor ever returns a single phone call.   Over the years, the bitch has had countless bullshit excuses why I couldn't come over and visit my child, and 99% of the time, ANY TIME I ever wanted to take my child out anywhere, the bitch refused to allow it, and not once ever was I allowed to take my child home with me for overnight or vacation stays, although the hypocrite always allowed her own cunt crack whore, coke addicted slut daughter take her out, but not me, and I am the child's father.  My aunt is just a CUNT.

Speaking of her being a bigot, several years ago when she was an EMT, one evening while drunk with her bigot and holier than thou friends and scumbag second husband, she had the audacity to brag how she and her co-worker scumbag denied medical treatment to a transgender person because she was, according to my aunt, "a worthless piece of shit" because she was a "transvestite nigger" who "deserved to die".    My whole life I heard this woman say terrible nasty things about all sorts of people of various races, religions, cultures, sexual orientations, etc.. She is so hateful.  She is in my opinion, EVIL.

Consequently, I ranted about the entire fiasco on my Facebook profile I have under my female identity and it was then that I decided to open up and tell everyone on my other Facebook, because I was PISSED about this whole thing.   Prior to this, the only family that knew was my two sisters, my mom, my gay cousin, my wife and youngest daughter, and my wife's entire family.  Naturally all of my close friends know, as well as many former high school and college classmates, and friends I have not seen in a long time, but there were several old friends I haven't seen in ages that didn't know, simply because they didn't need to because they never see me.  That all changed when I also ranted on the Facebook of my legal male name accompanied with photos of me as the girl I am..

This entire incident has caused me to suffer major stress, anxiety and panic, things already suffered due to my family being evicted, something I mentioned more than once here on this blog, as well as on YouTube.  While I'm on this topic, let me share with you what happened on the 5th when I went to court for the summary process eviction.

On June 28 I filed an answer to the complaint and sought to have the case transferred to housing court because it would have stalled the case for at least a week or two, perhaps even longer, however, the clerk working that day told me that they don't do this anymore, that transfers are done during the case in court, and decided by the court, however, that turned out to be FALSE.

Upon my case being called, the clerk magistrate instructed both parties, the landlord and I, to try and  reach an agreement.  He had an attorney and we were unable to reach any form of agreement since he wanted me to be out IMMEDIATELY, which was unacceptable nor doable by me, so, the case went before the judge.  It was then that I requested the transfer, and we were instructed to go to the clerks office, however, was denied transfer because she said it was supposed to be BEFORE THE COURT DATE, and upon me explaining what happened on the 28th, she denied it, which is FUCKING BULLSHIT.    So, back to the courtroom we went to have a bench trial, and OH MY FUCKING GOD was it a freaking circus.   The judge and all of the court staff called me ma'am, miss, she, her, etc, yet the landlord and his attorney called me Mr, sir, him, he, etc, with me correcting them each time, and the snickers in the courtroom as a result were causing me to feel anxious to get the fuck out of there.  The judge was very nice and easy going, and seeing that we had our child with us, he allowed her up front with us, and even had her sworn in as a witness so she would feel included, which I thought was a very nice thing for him to do.  After the landlord and attorney presented their case, I explained to the judge that in light of the circumstances, neither I nor my wife are willing to take the stand and contest the issue of non payment, that the only reason we're even here is because we need time to vacate as we have nowhere to go, nor the funds to move into another apartment.  He then explained to the landlord that it was in his best interests to try to work out some form of arrangements we can both agree upon, so, we all left the courtroom to discuss the matter and agreed on July 28th, so, I have until then to move out, however, I still have nowhere to go nor anywhere close to enough funds to do anything with yet.   Considering the previous discussion, I would like to add that the judge nor any other court staff found me being transgender to be "sick and disgusting".  I wonder if my aunt would think she knows better than a court judge.

Finally, my wife's mental illness is driving me freaking insane.  I can't take it anymore... all day and night I have to put up with her incessant delusional bullshit and I am SICK OF IT.  I am sick and tired of her paranoid schizophrenia.  I am sick of the delusions and hallucinations, I am sick of the riddles and games and I am sick of the accusations and their accompanying hostility and I greatly FEAR being homeless with a child with this psycho woman, because she is another disaster and crisis waiting to happen.

I suppose this post is all over the place, so, I don't know what more I can add at this time although my chaotic life is not short of material to share.  I'm rather overwhelmed with too much and what's already been stated is barely the tip of the iceberg.  I also want to add, thanks to my douchebag aunt and the stress and anxiety she cause my family, I started smoking again after over a week of being smoke free.

I am so sick and tired of dealing with so much shit and I really need to get away from everything.  With what little funds I have, our crap will go into a storage bin and since we have nowhere to stay I will take my daughter out to go camp for two weeks at a campground IF I can even afford it, otherwise we'll be living in whatever woods we can find, although considering, I really would feel safer at a campground because of my child.   Being transgender and going to a homeless shelter with a paranoid schizophrenic wife and a six year old child is a VERY FRIGHTENING thing to even think about.  If at all costs, I hope to avoid this.   Honestly, I don't know what the fuck to do any more.

One last thing... My computer is REALLY PISSING ME OFF.  I am sick of the damn CPU overheating and the PC going off at the worst time possible and the other one my friend let me have is sooooo slow I can barely get anything done.   Seems I can't have anything go my way these days.  All week I have been wanting to record video for my YouTube channel, but too much shit keeps getting in my damn way, mostly my wife who is constantly up my ass and in my face with stupid bullshit.