The Final Days of My Demise
I am now agonized over the absolute certainty of my world as I know it coming to a catastrophic upheaval, culminating in complete destruction. I abhor the doom that awaits me as it surely feels like certain death of my mind and spirit, because the ultimate and worst consequence of this disaster is potentially the loss of my child since our nation is a police state and would seek to take my child due to being homeless, yet, on the same token, has in large part contributed to the cause that resulted in the homelessness.
As I sit here writing this post, I went into a long winded fit of rage several paragraphs in length, finally coming to my senses and deleting it all for the sake of not offending anyone whom may take things the wrong way and twist it all out of context. Simply put, I am angry, depressed, overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and dread, that and so much more beyond words. I am having great difficulty describing the myriad of emotions and feelings running amok in my mind right now, but I assure you, it is damn frustrating, and it scares me to death. I am VERY AFRAID and I need help.
I don't like being in the position of needing to ask for help, because I feel powerless and it's not only damaging to my self esteem, but makes me feel like shit. I try to keep a positive outlook and feel confident that I can do whatever it takes to resolve this fucking disaster, but I'm now at my wits end and I'm losing my fucking mind.
If you're a regular reader of this blog, or are one of my YouTube subscribers, personal friend, or social network friend / follower, then you already know that I am suffering financial difficulties and am in the middle of eviction proceedings. Well, today I was finally served summons with a court date of July 5th and knowing that the courts only allow a MAXIMUM of 10 days before executing the eviction, this means I have exactly 30 days left before I am out on the streets, with NOWHERE TO GO with my six year old child and paranoid schizophrenic wife.
It's driving me fucking insane trying to figure out how to resolve this. I try and try and I am sick and fucking tired of not getting anywhere in changing the situation and it's scaring the shit out of me. I asked friends and family for help and NOT ONE of them can do anything whatsoever to help, NONE OF THEM. I called Salvation Army, St Vincent De Paul, Catholic Charities, Community Action and numerous other charitable organizations hoping for some form of help in avoiding homelessness, all to no avail as they all claim to be out of funding and unable to help, with the exception of St Vincent De Paul who simply said I do not qualify due to not having enough income to maintain my household budget, basically saying that if they did assist with funds to payoff my rental debt, that I would potentially be back in this very same position months down the road, so, their answer was "sorry, we can't help you". Now, when I say they can't help, I mean they can't or won't help with my eviction and pending homelessness problem. They did and do help with food when and if needed, but that's it.
I also contacted State and Federal agencies and am getting NOWHERE in obtaining any help whatsoever in resolving my crisis because they either claim I do not qualify, or they're out of funding. One such program that claimed to be out of funds was the Massachusetts RAFT program. Another, called Home Base, told me that my income was inadequate, therefore I do not qualify.
It seems anything and everything I try ends up in failure these days. I reached out to people online asking for help, hoping perhaps a miracle would happen, and while three people did donate cash totaling $270, I really was hoping things would have been much better than that since my thinking was, that if I have around 1800+ social media contacts and friends, roughly around 100 or so of them from real life, plus daily blog visitors, that perhaps if each donated only $2, that it would raise around $4000, but no, this did not happen.
Feeling that perhaps asking people to help may seem like a bad thing, I thought perhaps I could create some sort of incentive and offer something in return, so, I come up with the Occupy My Blog campaign, hoping to sell advertising and social media linking, etc, but this too ended up in miserable failure. After an estimated 3500+ people viewed the relevant posts detailing the ad packages up for offering, not one ad spot was sold. Currently, two spots are occupied since a these YouTube each donated more than $100 each of the $270 mentioned above, so, naturally I want to link to them and promote them as a way of thanks, but for some reason, I really thought it was a good idea, and apparently it was not, which sucks. I even dropped the price down to $20 which is a great deal considering, yet, it still fails in getting any sort of results that can help me out of this crisis.
What I'm really aiming for is to come up with enough to move into a new apartment, since it seems easier to do that than to have to scrape up $5000+, but that's only part of the problem. I also still owe legal debts, which come out to $480 and while I was trying to accumulate funds to either pay or move, I end up paying utilities and other costs, such as my business accounts payable, etc. Now, while I'm at it, I should also add to this that I have done some really STUPID things, such as buy cigarettes, because both my wife and I are addicted and are having EXTREME difficulty in quitting. I KNOW I can, and I want to, and I know I NEED TO, yet, every time I tried, I feel like I am succeeding and then my wife pushes my buttons hard with her delusional psycho behavior, which boils my blood so bad that I go back to smoking... It's difficult to stop under this kind of stress. I was out all afternoon, roughly around 5 hours alone with my daughter and I didn't smoke one single cigarette, yet, when I returned home, my wife was up my ass and in my face with her crazy shit, and she was smoking in the house after I repeatedly asked her not to, therefore, I lit up. I am sick of it. Here I am ranting on and on about needing help, yet I am contributing to my own disaster and doom due to this weakness. Perhaps I could have left that bit out, but I am being honest and straight up here, because things like this don't only happen due to economic downturn, but from irresponsibility as well, so, I wanted to accept responsibility for creating part of the problem and that I am fully committed to quitting as I KNOW it is a contributing factor to my problem, therefore, I WILL QUIT, because if I don't, things are going to be REALLY BAD and because of all this shit that's happened, I HATE THE FUCKING THINGS AND WHAT IT CAUSED. I am DONE.. I may be powerless in changing my situation, but I will NOT be powerless to a fucking cigarette and I am going to FIGHT THE URGE to smoke, and so help me god, I will NOT smoke any more. I only have 8 smokes left, and knowing it's easier to quit in the morning after being smoke free for those hours of sleep, I will start my first day smoke free in the morning, because it's harder to stop right now with nicotine in my system. NO MORE EXCUSES, and I'm not just saying that so people will help me, I really want to do this. It's something I regularly talked about on numerous blogtv broadcasts, so, it's not a new thing. Biggest fucking mistake of my life and if I don't quit, I WILL REGRET IT because my life is fucked up and will get worse if I keep smoking, and I have my little girl to worry and think about, so I will STOP! I might be a miserable prick the first day, but after that it's smooth sailing.
Job hunting around here is a fruitless nightmare. At least four days a week for the past month or more, and NOTHING. I feel like the entire ordeal was a complete WASTE OF TIME and it is frustrating as fuck. I listed items on Craigslist, including my motorcycle and not one thing sold. I even have things here on my blog, that I listed months ago and still, no buyers. Over the last three months I listed over 300+ items on eBay with only a dozen items selling, which means more wasted time and false hope. Why is anything and everything I do to try to resolve this crisis end up not working out in my favor? I even make more YouTube videos hoping any of them would be successful enough to grow my channel enough to generate a significant income, yet it never happens. Yeah, sure people like Ray William Johnson and several others all can earn six figure incomes doing videos, yet it seems impossible for me to even make just enough to pay bills. My Google income for last month was a miserable $56, most of that from YouTube.. fucking PATHETIC. What was I thinking when I thought I could become popular on YouTube and even make a living doing it.
Meanwhile, I still am doing anything and everything I can to turn my business around and generate more income, yet nothing seems to be improving and it's driving me fucking insane. I keep hoping, I keep trying and I keep trying to stay positive that my businesses income will pick up in the near future, but I'm running out of time. The clock is ticking.. I now have exactly 30 DAYS remaining before I am officially HOMELESS, after that, there will be no more blog posts, no more YouTube videos, no more social networking, and my business will completely crash and burn, since I work online maintaining a network 100 domains utilizing affiliate marketing programs for revenue, which was in the past successful, but took a bad turn and now in need of overhaul to get back to the way it used to be. The economy played a big part in this as well since it's no PPC, but commission per sale, so, once I am homeless, everything is gone since I will not be online to maintain the properties, keep up with domain renewals, hosting, etc. Sure this blog and YouTube will still be here when I get back, but without updates and fresh content regularly, I can kiss any income from Google goodbye. I also would lose communication with so many people I enjoy networking with, because I would not have internet access being homeless, because I only have a desktop.... So, in approximately 30 days, I will be saying my goodbyes..... I'm fucking falling apart and don't know where I am gonna go. I even called shelters, and OMG what a nightmare that is.. It would take numerous lengthy paragraphs to get into all that, but to make it short, homeless shelters are NOT a viable option for me and my daughter, not ifs ands or buts.
I am simply FUCKED and I truly NEED YOUR HELP. I posted a photo I took of the summons I got delivered today in the hopes that it shows authenticity of my predicament and would motivate people to kindly donate to help me avoid becoming homeless. Personally identifying information of all persons has been redacted from the photo for security purposes. With the donations, I hope to collect at least enough to move into another apartment. Your donation can be as low as ONE DOLLAR up to whatever you want to contribute. Paypal takes 2.9% +.30 as a fee and the rest will be credited to my Paypal account.
Please donate to help.
The only income I know that is coming in over the next couple weeks is approximately $275, and without any resolution to this crisis, is likely to be spent on acquiring a storage bin and making a payment on outstanding legal fees for which I face penalty if not paid. I'm desperate and freaking the fuck out.